Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pandemic
At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!
Tag: Politics
United States Presidents vs. Swamp Rabbits
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit. In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.
Which Unqualified Doctor Said It? Pandemic Edition
"The virus's signature blend of 23 flavors is truly unique, which is why it was clearly made in a Chinese military lab." -Dr. Pepper
Unnecessary Places Where Trump’s Signature Will Now Appear
After “FROM:” on the name tags of all wedding gifts / Embroidered on all weighted blankets / Baked into the crust of all apple pies
Ranking the Coronavirus Task Force Members from Least to Most Fuckable
Derek Kan - Can make a train in the bedroom run on time. / Anthony Fauci - This silver fox has a lot of time now that Grey’s Anatomy isn’t filming.
Historical Cures That Were Worse Than the Problem
Problem: Polio Cure: Jonas Salk’s polio vaccination. Worse Problem: Finding out your favorite celebrity thinks vaccines are worse than polio.
Neil Gaiman’s Republican Mythology
In Mayr-a-Layrgo stood Pootin, who existed before the primaries. He sits upon a giant steed, wearing pants but no shirt, chest oiled for some reason.
You Are Cordially Invited to Grandpa’s 7th Emotional Birthday Party
One especially pleasing development is how Grandpa has started taking responsibility for his actions.
Product Sponsorship of America’s Greatest Disasters
1876, Rogaine’s Custer’s Last Stand, “Scalp Issues? We’re For You” / 2005, Maxwell House’s Hurricane Katrina, “Good to the Last Levee Drop”
It’s Time to Unify Around a Single Candidate: Ted from Accounting
Even Ted’s charisma is middle of the road. He’s the type of candidate that you could get a beer with, but choose not to.
I Would Donate but I Don’t Think My $20 Million Can Make a Difference in This Election
They say every million counts but I just feel like another face in the crowd among all these millionaire donors.
FAQ for Newly Hired CEOs Still Learning to Be Assholes
Should I comment on my employees' ethnicity? We recommend a "don't ask don't tell" policy. Everyone should be white in your eyes.