Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This one’s about people from different backgrounds coming together to fight for a greater good. Skip!
Tag: Politics
Mar-a-Lago Bath Bombs
Use the (Space) Force: Lavender, yuzu, and citrus form their own sixth military branch... mission: self-care!
We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, Not an Eater of Babies
Consider all the babies that Gulak didn't devour. This country is full of succulent babies that weren't eaten by Gulak at all, not even a little bit.
Woke Gear for the Politically Correct
New at Macy’s are Cordial-Roy® casual slacks---virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding social indiscretion never looked, well, so good!
Colin Kaepernick Would Be a Distraction, So We’ve Signed Donald Trump To Be Our New Quarterback
Luckily, the staff at the White House told us that things actually run a lot better when he’s not around, so they’ve agreed to lend him to us for the next few years.
Thoughts from a Town with an Abandoned Twinkie Factory
"When we put him in the ground, we dropped in every Twinkie wrapper. A shade under a million. He lived to 103. So...yes. I think they're ok for you.”
What Happens When You Stop Following Trump News: A Week-by-Week Guide
Week 5: Recognizing that life is all too fragile and almost anything can be forgiven, you begin repairing the relationship with your estranged father.
Incel Burger Has Heard Your Complaints and We’re Sorry
As our apology, have a free “Girlfriend’s Fingers Fries,” which are for scraping against your cheek so that you can pretend you have a girlfriend.
Who Are You Going to Believe: The Man With Everything to Lose or the Woman With Nothing to Gain?
At the end of the day, Ford may give a powerful testimony, but that doesn't change the fact that she has two X chromosomes.
The Honest Calendar of a 17-Year-Old Rapist
October 28: Buy easy access costume for Halloween rape --- maybe just go as a giant penis and forgo pretense?
I Voted for Donald Trump Because I Thought He’d Help Me Win Sandra Back—I Was Wrong
Of course, he was pursuing a shoddy, ill-conceived attempt to normalize relations with North Korea: it would be a great honeymoon spot.
My First Day at the Department for Duplicated Departments
10.15 am - Somone tries to get into the office but gets lost in the revolving doors.