Open Letter from a White Gay
Did you assume it was easy for all of us to bleach our hair two months after coming out? No. But we all did it. Every single one of us.
Tag: Politics
The Many Phones of Michael Cohen
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
We’re Recruiting for Our Libertarian Utopia!
We had a few incidents in which some misused their legally acquired, weaponized smallpox strains, but that's a small price to pay for freedom.
Please Vote For Me, I’m Exactly Who You Said You Wanted
Some of you have commented on social media asking, “Why are you an angry lesbian who’s trying to take a nice man’s place at the Congress? Also, fat.”
Please Do Not Bring Your Three-Eyed Troll to My Keynote Address at the National Three-Eyed Troll Association Convention
If a troll eats my head, how will I spread the message that wielding trolls is a God-given right?
All These Jokes About Appearance Were Just Uncalled For, Michelle Wolf
Many think this is about how teachers are underpaid and have to buy their own school supplies. But did you know that women call make-up "supplies?"
Failed TV Show Pitches for Disgraced Male Entertainers
Frankly With Al Franken: Al Franken in a room, speaking frankly about political news. We know we shouldn’t want this to exist, but we quietly do.
If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love
trump: jeff if you hang up on me i will have to talk directly to your— (jeff bezos hangs up)
Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing
The liberals, they're wrong, we can't ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.
David Lynch Pitches a Reboot of Schoolhouse Rock’s “How a Bill Becomes a Law”
We then cut to the same location to view the disturbing spectacle of grotesque businessmen carving up our dead Bill and eating him for supper.
Some Plausible Reasons Why Scott Pruitt Might Hate Nature So Much
He's always asleep during both sunrise and sunset, so he's never seen one before. Doesn't get what the big deal is.
I’m a Die-Hard Conservative, But If You Build a Border Wall, Our Texas Town Will Be Massacred By Wolves
Everyone knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators ain’t exactly dying for your country.