@TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President
What's going on, you guys? There's not a single French politician I can't follow or unfollow with ease. It's literally just clicking a button.
Tag: Politics
I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate
Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.
An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government
While having sex with communists, totalitarians, and socialists all in the same place can be exhilarating, it can also be fraught with peril.
Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline
Add Kyrie Irving's ball handling skills to his Betsy Devos-level production (from a disbelief in modern science standpoint), and you've got a title contender.
I Heard Robert Mueller is a Draft-Dodging Sexual Predator
This Mueller character, looking into "collusion," he's the worst of the bunch. Many sources have told me he's a draft dodger and sexual predator.
Interview Notes from Trump’s Personal Biographer
If I push hard enough, will this pen go into my brain? Will the Secret Service stop me? There's no way I'm leaving alive; I've seen too much.
Mistakes I Made Babysitting My Girlfriend’s Guinea Pigs
It should have been easy—they're basically small, furry cows devoid of complex needs or even souls. What I could not foresee was rebellion.
Donald Trump’s Patent Application for Liam Neeson’s Monologue from “Taken”
The president needs a a speech you say into a phone, so the bad guy knows, by the end of the movie, he's going to bite it. Big time!
How to Helicopter Parent for the 1% Under the New Tax Bill
Strap your child in tight: no one wants to be jostled in the helicopter mid-air, even if it's a short ride from the Upper East Side to the Hamptons.
I Combined the Two Things We Fear Most: Donald Trump’s Tweets and Sprite
Is this a modern Huxley, or is it a true fright? Lovecraft… Stoker! Oh, such a crippling thought, such my will of darkness.
I Serve White House Guests the Nicest Bottles of Diet Coke
Entertaining guests at the White House, huge part of being president. I drink Diet Coke from cans, but only the best for guests: bottles or fountain.
Hannibal: I’m Starting to Think Crossing the Alps was a Stupid Idea
Just six months ago, eating peeled grapes from my servants, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Now, standing up to my ass in snow, maybe not so much.