Why are People Talking About My Son Instead of Ivanka?
My children, folks, so beautiful, so terrific. But one still stands out, the gorgeous Ivanka. So all this talk about Don Jr., all these fake news stories, who cares?
Tag: Presidents
The Wall Was Just a Racist Metaphor
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
When I Need to Handle International Crises, I Stay in a Lovely Trump Hotel
Mar-a-Lago, Trump Tower in New York, Trump Tower in Chicago, all safely outside the war zone. Every single direction, up, down, I built them all.
The Bachelor: Press Secretary Edition
Newt Gingrich: [Cupping Donald Trump's tear-stained face in his hands] You owe it to yourself to move on from Spicer. He hurt you. It’s time to find your next true love, Mr. President.
Melania Hates Me, But at Least I Still Have the Support of the American People
You've all seen Melania being cold to me. No hand holding, eye rolls, ignoring, walking separately, bad, bad. But I'm not upset because at least the American people still love me.
11 Inspiring Quotes from Americans Working Jobs They’re Totally Unqualified For
"Never bottle up your confusion. Think out loud. An effective way to communicate your muddled beliefs is Twitter." -Kisha P., Police Desk Sergeant
You Won’t Need Healthcare for Long, Trust Me
No sense in paying all this money for Obamacare when the end is near. Expensive, too expensive, when we're all going to die anyway. You should love the AHCA.
You’d Play Golf Too If You Were Trying to Ignore the Suffering of Millions of People
Get lots of bad press for golf, bad, but you’d spend most of your time golfing too if you were trying to distract yourself from everyone’s problems.
I Don’t Know Much About Media Manipulation, All I Know is That Donald Trump’s Cameo in “Home Alone 2” is So Freakin’ Funny
Trumps cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York may only be three seconds, but its gut-bustingly laugh-larious. Seriously, its that funny.
We Must Investigate How SNL Has Me on the Show Every Week Even Though I’m Not in the Studio
I watch SNL and I see me in every episode, but I wasn’t on the show recently. Haven’t in a long time, I’m not in the studio. So why do I see myself on the screen week after week after week?
If Oprah and Kanye are Running for President, Then Adam Duritz, Lead Singer of the Counting Crows, Should Run Too (by Adam Duritz)
Here are just a few of the many ways that I, Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows, am equipped to run for president of the United States.
Honey Boo Boo’s White House Intern Application
Like you, Mr. President, I'll do whatever it takes to win. Have you seen the footage of my landslide victory at the watermelon eating contest?