It’s Twenty Ten, People
My sound and well developed reasoning why we must refer to this year as Twenty Ten and not Two Thousand Ten, as my girlfriend likes to say.
Tag: Primal Urges
Celebrity Death Summer: The Menu
New foods inspired by recent celebrities' deaths. If you have time to get a BJ, you have time to think up foods that emulate dead people.
Girls are Like Food, Part 2: The Main Course
It’s a well known fact that women can easily be compared to food. Here's how they stack up compared to the heart of the meal.
Friendships: A Lesson for Females
I offer you, dear readers, the following chunk of the obvious: male friendships are different than female friendships. I don’t know why this is, but it’s true. Take some hints.
You’re Not Free
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you’re not free. You lack the basic rights of liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Your rulers mandate what you put in your body, how you put it in your body, and what kind of currency you must value.
How to Eliminate Steroid Use in Major League Baseball
If an owner signs a juicer, and that juicer receives a 50-day suspension without pay, that juicer’s money goes back to the owner. So why not sign a suspected juicer? Luckily for you, I know how to fix this: You hold the owners accountable.
I Love You (Now Shut Up)
For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, 'I love you.' Now I'm going to show you exactly why it is important to say 'I love you' even if you don't fucking mean it.
How to Avoid the Friend Zone Altogether
Four examples of my behavior that have kept me out of the dreaded friend zone according to one of my exes, who asked to be called Leticia for the purpose of this article.
Firing Back at Anti-Gun Laws
I am against any and all anti-gun laws. And it's not because I love guns (I don't even own one) or because I feel the need to take out a herd of antelopes with an SKS. I am against them because they don't work.
Pickled, But Not Soured
The other day I got to thinking about Peter Piper and that old tongue twister: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. The goddamn thing is a lie. There is no way for anyone to pick peppers that have already been pickled.
Every Bowl Game Known to Man and the Women Who Love Them
A breakdown of every bowl game in America this year, and answers to the frequently asked questions that accompany them.
Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers
Women can be divided into 3 types of appetizers: Sports Bar, Casual Dining, Wedding Party, and Five Star Restaurant Appetizers.