Aesop’s Fables, Updated for a Capitalist World
Thinking he'd overtaken the tortoise in the race, the hare took a nap under a tree. He was right to sleep, given his Adidas UltraBoost running shoes.
Tag: Race
I Am Your City Council Representative, and Your Concerns Matter to Me
As an upstanding member of this community, I hope you’ll believe me that I am, definitively, a human flesh man, and not any kind of insect homunculus.
Other New Policies Recently Approved By NFL Owners
Players who take, like, 20 napkins and then use, like, just two napkins and throw away the other 18 will be ejected from the game.
Dear Honorable Lord Hiring Manager, With Love and Respect
I have reduced stress by limiting my mental breakdown to three times a week. You would never guess that I've stress vomited in every campus bathroom!
Ranking the 2018 Kentucky Derby Horses by Name
9. Vino Rosso (12-1) – Means "red wine" in Italian and "try-hard" in English.
Some Plausible Reasons Why Scott Pruitt Might Hate Nature So Much
He's always asleep during both sunrise and sunset, so he's never seen one before. Doesn't get what the big deal is.
The Top Ten “The Only Black Dude” Black Dudes in Movies
Celebrating the memory of those black guys who went it alone, fighting against oppression, while also fighting werewolf cops or whatever.
A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe
We simply cannot allow comedians to make jokes about things we don't like. We must all rise up and flaunt our collective disgust.
How I Got My Dad to Stop Bowing to the Waitstaff at Toshi’s Sashimi House
He may mean well, but your dad has gotta stop this. Not only for the good folks at Toshi's, but for your socially-conscious millennial sanity.
5 Ways to Convince Guests That the Unused Peloton in the Spare Bedroom Isn’t Your Deepest Shame
Spending $2,000 on an exercise bike you weren't equipped to handle is definitely your heart's heaviest baggage, but YOU CAN'T LET THEM KNOW THAT!
Are You Man Enough to Take the Lightning McQueen Challenge?
Prepare to drink an entire gallon of gas, run around a race track 50 times screaming "KA-CHOW!" and resist transforming into a car.
A Non-Partisan Guide to Swinging Both Ways
Have you ever lusted after Bernie Sanders' egalitarian utopia but then felt you were cheating on that copy of Reagan's "City Upon a Hill" speech?