How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
Tag: Regret
As a Divorce Photographer, I Want to Commemorate Your Imminent Separation
While you were once regaled with the chimes of wedding bells, you now shrivel before a vinegary antipasto and await the crushing gavel of defeat.
The Vlad Quartet Is Not Playing at Ronnie Scotts
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
I’d Like to Add 50 More Weeks to My Two Week’s Notice
The past six years have been rewarding and have not been a "suck chamber" where I’ve "eagerly counted down until my death."
My Only Job Option Is to Play Professional Baseball
There's no better job out of college than playing in the MLB. Great pay, fame, and most of the time you’re standing around and not doing anything.
I’m Just a Man Who Believes in Breakfast Pizza
Subject: History WILL NOT be kind to the man who ignored breakfast pizza. Not gonna lie, Rob. Reallllly feel like you’re blowing it here.
I’m the Mosquito Bite You Got at That Outdoor Cinema, and if You Scratch Me I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine
Pride leads to compromise. Compromise leads to shorts. Shorts lead to mosquitos. Mosquitos lead to suffering.
Top-Rated Pastas to Eat at Home Alone During a Messy Divorce
You could try to explain bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you.
I’m the Lean Cuisine That’s Been in Your Freezer for 3 Months
I won’t shame you, it’s not my place. No, my place is to be an evolutionary step above paper. My role is to technically be food.
Dispatches from the Media Relations Desk of the Terran Starship Expedient
We can reassure our Cres’Nan allies that incidences of uncontrolled mutation are unrelated to our activities and are probably completely coincidental.
How to Tell Your Barista You Got a Keurig
Pull your wallet out when paying and flash your cute family photos. Have the last one be a photobooth selfie of you and your Keurig.
The 50 Stages of Toddler Grief
HUNGER: They will want to eat something blue, but not blueberries. Blue. JOY: You managed to find food that is their favorite color!