Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Tag: Relationships
The Thing About My Non-Committal Boyfriend Is That He Was Hurt in a Previous Relationship Also He Can’t Close His Eyes Completely like a Furby
He was broken up with once, so we can’t expect him to be anywhere on time, as planned, or wearing an outfit appropriate for the occasion.
More Accurate Names for Make-Out Point, Based on My Adolescence
Body Spray Bay / Strictly Cuddles Cliff / Not-So-Fast Fjord
The New York Times Divorce Announcements
It was a beautiful Tuesday as Cameron Walton & Elizabeth Bayers were happily divorced during a small but intimate ceremony at the Queens County Courthouse.
A Voicemail from Your Girlfriend (She Fell Down a Well)
I really don’t want to be a burden, but would you mind coming to help me? Only if it’s on your way home from the office.
Illnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
I’m the Conductor Yelling “Alllllll Aboard” at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss
I’ve delayed trains for hours at a time just to let couples wet each other’s face holes before departure.
The Top 10 People I’m Almost Certain My Wife Will Leave Me For
The Owner of My Once-Beloved Bodega: He’ll call her Boss in the same velvety tone that once stilled my heart.
Sycophant for Hire
For a small fee and a variable surcharge, I will shower your fragile ego with the praise it doesn’t, and will likely never, deserve.
The U.S. Begs England to Take Them Back
It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild? But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to?
Things I’m Doing With My Feelings Besides Sitting with Them
I’m staring directly at my feelings until my feelings feel uncomfortable and move away. I’m fighting over the armrest with my feelings.
Top 10 Reasons I Still Need a Cowboy to Take Me Away in 2024
Milk is fucking expensive. Let the cows bring me both my free dairy and the ability to skip the long Sunday checkout lines at the local Target.