I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
Tag: Relationships
I Trust My Boyfriend, But I Would Trust Him More if I Had All of His Passwords
Is it so terrible that I want transparency? And the permanent ability to login to his Twitter whenever I'm feeling a little fucking insane?
5 Running Shoes That Won’t Help Me Escape the Reality That My Wife Is Having an Affair with David Attenborough
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
The Run-Over Deer You’ve Decided to Use as a Symbol for Your Crumbling Relationship Has Had Enough
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
Simon Says for All the Single Ladies
Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you'll feel awkward.
They Found a Biosignature on Venus, So I Guess I’m Leaving My Wife
I have to leave you, because an appreciable amount of a chemical compound that smells like feces has been detected in Venus’ upper atmosphere.
How to Mount a Sliding Barn Door and Get a Divorce at the Same Time
Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall - Use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!”
It’s Totally Fine That He Didn’t Text Me Back
Alright, let me check my phone. No response? That’s completely cool. I’ll just play with my dog for a little bit.
I’m a Mysterious Gypsy Princess in 1830s Paris; Uncover My Secret and Win My Love
Before you win me over you must first guess my secret. I’ll take you on a wandering journey, through these dirty, cobblestone Parisian alleys.
If Love Languages Were Categories in a Dystopian YA Novel
I blinked in the winter sun and spotted the raised flag that bore the crest of Quality Time. Under the flag huddled members of my new life.
Some Updates on the Status of Your Postmates Delivery
Seth has returned to his car and confirmed your address for the first time. Your dumplings are no longer crispy or hot. Seth lives with his parents.
A Therapist’s Notes from Sessions with Muppet Couples
Meeting with Kermit, a 65 y.o. frog, and Piggy, a 63 y.o. porcine companion (spouse?). Currently separated. P lives in Paris, France; K in MS swamp.