A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog
Maybe I’ll save a kid from drowning by jumping from a bridge. A local hero, on the news...wait, no one under 70 watches the news: trend on Twitter.
Tag: Relationships
Whoa, I Saw the Mummy That’s Been Chasing Us Without His Bandages and He’s Actually Really Handsome
But now I realize that’s actually a stupid plan and I have a new, better one: keep King Teti in this Earthly realm and also make him my boyfriend.
Conditions Under Which President Trump Will Agree to an Interview with the Special Counsel
The President shall enjoy full immunity while patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.
A Few Thoughts About That Video You Recorded After My Root Canal
I will be sure to keep you updated on all the social metrics. I still care about you, and the kids (our kids), and our social media numbers.
An Important Update to Your MoviePass Relationship
I refuse to ghost on you like your past relationships with Blockbuster and Hollywood Video. But I fear we've reached our final act.
Hey, Remember Me? I’m Socks
Sometimes, when you brew coffee I get flashbacks of how you’d sit with your feet inside me as you discussed search engine optimization.
The First Rule of Book Club is We Do Not Talk About the Book
The first person to admit they didn’t read the book taps out and may open the wine. Watching the movie doesn’t count as reading the book.
You’re Invited to Celebrate the 15th Anniversary of My Grudge Against Cindy
We both loved Avril and each other and had friendship bracelets to prove it. It would be weeks before I learned that she was a rotten, heartless liar.
Where to Summer During Today’s Blood Moon
Between Subway Stations: Because this blood moon is opposing Mercury in retrograde, all travel will become a Rube Goldberg-esque hellscape of delays and re-routes.
Things to Prepare Yourself for When You Graduate College
You’ll feel that you’ve won the war of slobs vs. snobs you started with the Dean. But then you’ll realize how happy Dean Trublioni makes your dad.
The Ballad of the Inept Geneticist
I am the Inept Geneticist So send to me your best spitting And for you I’ll manufacture A heritage more befitting
Dear Lady With the Bad Attitude in My 6AM Aerial Class: I Love You
You head straight to your corner, even though reserving spots isn't allowed, we all know it’s yours since you’re a woman of habit. And we fear you.