An Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis
I've had it. The picture of me in your "cool" MeUndies boxer briefs that you just sent to eleven different women really pushed me over the edge.
Tag: Relationships
How Not to Use Tinder If You’re Living in a Martian Colony
Mark, I want you. I want to be stranded here with you. Damn the rest of humanity! We can start over. We can rebuild, Mark!
Confessions of a Potted Plant in Love with Harvey Weinstein
As a plant, it was one thing to have a guy like Harvey Weinstein brush up against you. But to finish himself off inside you?
2018 Spinoffs of The Bachelor
The Sasquatchelor: Losers from previous seasons of The Bachelor are stranded in the wilds of Oregon and tasked with finding love, as well as Bigfoot.
5 Signs Your Subpar Boyfriend is a Total Keeper
Dealbreakers are for spinsters and women who don't shave their armpits. Take what you can get now or die alone.
How to Be a Man in the Modern Age
Today's definition of masculinity has been warped. We men need to to get in touch with our manhood, and you better be prepared to cry and then go stone cold about it.
Now That My Girlfriend Left Me, I’m Fattening Up to Be Eaten by a Witch
I can't help but wonder, are the things that made me an unappealing romantic companion to Gretchen the same things that make me an unappetizing meal to witches?
Ladies, Don’t You Wish Your Man Was Cleaner, More Passionate, and Less Racist?
I'm a woman who knows what she wants, and an unkempt sexual novice dedicated to preserving the genetic purity of the white race is so not one of them.
A Sick Husband’s Apology Voicemail to His Wife
Hon… are you there? Pick up? When I get home, I must keep away from kids. No want kids get sick. I'll sneak into bedroom. Turn on Nintendo, if I have strength.
We Made Cat Tinder Because There Were No Better Options
Why spend the night with a random internet hookup who describes you as a "sex kitten" when you can hold a real kitten?
9 Fun and Local-Approved Things To Do in Seattle When You’re in Town for Your Uncle’s Funeral
Yes, your uncle is dead. But Seattle is an amazing city and you WILL NOT let a perfectly good couple of days away from the office and kids be ruined by a lousy funeral.
The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants: An Update
The heart wants long johns from Saks. The heart can't get long johns from Saks unless it can get into the subway, but it used all it's coins.