Please Dispose of My Phone Number in the Correct Receptacle
If we slept together and haven't spoken in over two months, please throw my number in the trash. Otherwise, please refer to this guide for appropriate actions.
Tag: Relationships
I Don’t Know How Else to Say This Kids, But Your Mom and I Need to Divorce You
Kids, there is never a good time to say this, but since it's Father's Day and you're both standing here without rolling your eyes for once, I guess now is good enough: we're divorcing you.
Millennial Charlotte Brontë Goes to the Mall
One listen to HIM, the Finnish lords and saviors whose hit single "Killing Loneliness" contains the secret to living, and Gloom's gospel will quickly unmask the jolly tendencies you maintain.
I Don’t Care About the Size of Your Penis, But I Do Hate You
I know you didn't choose to be so poorly-endowed. But you did choose to be an unbearable asshole, and I want to be clear about my contempt for your very existence.
“Meet Cute” Moments Ruined By Ghosts
Boy meets girl and it's love at first sight. They both go to grab the same latte, but they can't because their barista has been DEAD FOR THE PAST SIXTEEN YEARS.
You Didn’t Get the Job, But I Think We’d Make Great Friends
Unfortunately, we've decided to go a different way. But we honestly did enjoy our conversation and I was wondering, do you want to hang out sometime?
What It’s Like Being the Artist Who Applies Smokey Eye Makeup to Actor Jeff Goldblum
My makeup pouch is my jetpack and I'm here to reduce the puffy circles of my Oscar, Emmy, Genie and Drama Desk Award nominated client. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost track of him.
6 Venmo Requests to Send a Guy After a First Date
Amount: $40 Message: "Marketing fees associated with me blogging about this date." Rationale: He’s a weirdo, and weirdos need to be blogged about.
Guys, Here’s What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like
A brutally honest portrait of the man you may or may not actually want to date. Warning: includes thoughts on masturbation.
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.
Rex Tillerson’s Honey-Do List from His Wife, Renda
It’s tough going from the head honcho to being a number 2. What do I always say? “If you don’t punch the hog in the nose he’ll make complex international decisions without you.”
Darth Vader Tries Speed Dating
Why are you in a black bodysuit again? And what's up with that helmet? Why do you wear a mask anyway, Mr. Mystery?