Here is the Ancient Ritual You Must Follow If You Wish to Quit the Football Team
A rapidly disintegrating map will be given to you as you step out of the self-reflection pod. It will lead you to the Sewer of Quitters.
Tag: Religion
I Will Be Moving the Vatican Embassy to Heaven
Embassies, so complicated. So complex, I would say. Where do they go, who works there, what country are they technically in?
Astrology is Stupid (Unless I’m Being a Total Bitch, Then I’m Blaming My Gemini Moon)
“My moon is in Sagittarius, so I shut down emotionally to cope with stress! I told you that on Christmas after I punched that mall Santa!”
A Young Movie’s Prayer: “Please Let Me Come to a Theater Near You”
Please, please, please, Movie Gods, if you're out there, please let me come to a theater near you. It's all I've wanted since I was a wee script.
The Lord Has Tempted Me with Tons of Gay Sex, But I’ve Overcome
For six years I've preached the dangers of sins of the flesh, during which time the devil lured me into oiled-up twinks, otters, and glitter-daddies.
Find Top-Rated Live Nativities at Churches in Your Neighborhood With This New Rotten Tomatoes-Style App
Just in time for Christmas, download "A Pilgrim's Weighty Choice" from the App Store and find top-rated, authentic local nativities!
Is Your “Improv Team” Actually an Alt-Right Men’s Group?
Does your "improv team" go by a cute-ish, possibly pun-based name like "Nutz and Boltz," "Bad Uncle Jimmy," or "The Proud Boys"?
Transcript of Zeus’s Personal Rebranding Meeting to Address Bestiality Concerns
"We want to create a more human Zeus. Relatable, powerful, and, most importantly, someone your worshippers can imagine sleeping with."
How Would You Rate Yourself as a Person From One to Chick-fil-A Employee?
By setting such an unattainable standard for human behavior and existence, Chick-fil-A workers reveal just how miserably inferior the rest of us are.
Hungover Review of a Catholic Mass
I wonder if my indoor sunglasses and the giant jug of orange juice betray my hangover? The glare from Sister Beatrice indicates yes.
8 of the Hottest Non-Religious Burkinis
The comfortably structured contour-caressing nap of the Twerkini cover-up transforms motion into electrical energy, helping to charge cell phones.
I’m the Only Thing Standing Between You and That Freak Mike Pence
Mike Pence, best vice president, maybe ever. Problem though: he's a nutcase. Totally unhinged. And I'm the only one preventing that freak from taking power.