Corrections to Last Week’s Guided Meditation
For one of the times when I said exhale, I meant inhale. I did not mean to instruct you to do double exhales.
Tag: Satire
Vanity Fair Administers the Proust Questionnaire to a Person Who’s Been Trapped Inside a Cave for 40 Days
The most important qualities a man can have are leadership, integrity, and enough forearm strength to pull himself over an 8-foot ledge.
The Five Stages of Drake Fan Grief
It can be hard to believe that he won’t be coming back with another flaccid diss track full of trash punchlines.
Sycophant for Hire
For a small fee and a variable surcharge, I will shower your fragile ego with the praise it doesn’t, and will likely never, deserve.
Sherlock Holmes, Observational Comic
You ever notice how in Los Angeles the dirt is a brownish-red color, but in New York it’s a reddish-brown color?
Updated Rules for Our Town’s Annual Rubber Duck Race
No glass bottles. No breaking glass bottles. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with broken glass bottles.
The U.S. Begs England to Take Them Back
It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild? But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to?
Please Complete This Brief Survey About Your Recent Elevator Ride
When you read the option “Going down,” what was your reaction? ⚪ Turned on ⚪ Grossed out
New from Bank of America: Feet Pic Appraisals™
Simply follow the prompts, upload a few well-lit, ankle-down images, and let Bank of America’s integrated AI do the rest!
I, the Sitcom Laugh Track, Am Ready to Be Considered for Dramatic Roles
I studied Strasberg with Laura Dern. I, too, was in the original Jurassic Park before Steven Spielberg edited me out.
The World Yacht Tipping Finals, Only on WhaleWorld Sports Network
Throwing out the ceremonial sea lion is actor Brendan Fraser, who starred in "The Whale" and has been known to compete in yacht tipping competitions himself.
We Are Cicadas Who Have Been Underground Since the Obama Administration
Now, front legs clasped, we surge skyward to a world replete with the bounties of over a decade of equality and universal healthcare!