Please take a moment to donate to Hurricane Irma relief, and while you're at it, throw a couple bucks at the Kickstarter for my Flappy Bird-meets-Candy Crush app "Clint the Climber."
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
"It's taking up a third of your neck and appears to have green veins extending from it. This can't be good." -Dr. Jennifer Miller, DDS
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you've got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you.
In "Green Eggs and Radioactive Lambs" an isolated town's chickens have died and the few remaining eggs have turned green. Eat these pitiful creatures or starve?
Disturbing and introspective audio from Tom Hanks' handheld recorder, sent to me anonymously in the form of time-stamped .wav files.
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
Sit at the table, young man. You can't have your funding for the border wall until you finish this fiscal deal. Plus, I added some salt.
Hey Dad, I just want to reassure you: I'm not worried about the future. Not even the tiniest amount. Because I'm going to inherit billions of dollars.
It's impossible to monitor your child 24/7, nor should you. But you should remain vigilant to certain signs so this epidemic doesn't affect your family's welfare.