Ulysses S. Grant responds to Jefferson Davis' threats of a renewed Separatist Movement in the South by getting drunk, riding straight to South Carolina and challenging him to a duel. But not before passing out in his own vomit.
Dear Boss, I have a confession to make. I probably should have told you a long time ago before things got out of hand: I've been taking steroids every day on the job since Day 1 (and before the job during our interviews).
Mr. Cook, I can no longer sit back while your egregious blunders defame the good name of those around you. Especially the illustrious Dennis Rodman.
Throughout my life I have had many goals: soccer player, good student, drummer, gym teacher, guy who toasts bagels, etc. But I now see my life as having been misguided because now I know for sure that I seriously can't wait to break your arm.
Dear Timothy Williams, we regret to inform you that your wish will remain just that: a wish. And wishes don’t come true, Little Timmy. Hey, life is unfair.
There's a new breed of Brazilian supermodel warriors who actually read and study something other than women's magazines--computer programming and existential thought to be precise.
I think it's safe to say that agreeing to be the drummer for this Poison tribute band is easily one of the worst life decisions I've ever made.
I did it bitches. Set your iPods to "repeat" because I just meloded all over you with my first and last sweet techno beat, and am now announcing my retirement from the industry, effective immediately.
Oh, I see you staring at me from the other side of this Starbucks, watching in heat as I seductively sip my double-mocha-frappa-chai-latte. The sex is imminent.
Thank goodness the Republicans nominated you, a WOMAN, as the vice presidential candidate! It’s such a relief to toss aside my personal beliefs and blindly follow you and John!
I should just expressly state my purpose here: I intend to pursue any type of sex act with That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All (I believe it's “Clarissa” actually).
Sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. But since you won't remember anything I write in this letter, let me take the opportunity to reveal how much I've always despised the elderly.