What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
Tag: Satire
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Do Not Use That Stall, I Just Had a Huge Cry in There
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.
I Can’t Believe My Favorite Band Whose Music I Never Bought Is Breaking Up
After a decade of not giving them a dime for any of their creative output, I just don’t understand why they would call it quits.
You Seem Unfulfilled at Your Job, Building a Facetune App for Dogs
Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
Text STOP If Our SMS Rewards Program Is Coming On Too Strong
Text MISS YOU if you're counting down the minutes until you can hold me in your arms.
Maybe Read Me? A Plea from That One Decaying Book in the Little Library
Now the new books tell me that I am no longer in print and all the Borders are gone.
I Suppose You’re All Wondering Why I’ve Gathered You Here
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!
To Thank You for Being My Gladiators, I’m Providing Cupcakes
It will be a chance to network over a sweet treat with other gladiators who, in a few days, will try to clobber the life out of you.
Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams
We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!
My Family Always Fights Over Politics at Thanksgiving Because I Instigate Them
If you think Thanksgiving is a time when we could all come together, you haven’t met my family after I poke and prod.