Christmas in the Lobby
Please join us in the lobby to celebrate Christmas! We will scrounge up a folding chair or two and everyone will be afraid to sit.
Tag: Satire
Please Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee, My Anti-Depressants, My Cholesterol Medication, a Shot of Whiskey, a Breath Mint, and a Pound of Bacon
How is it that my morning routine is simultaneously killing me while also helping me barely cling to dear life?
The iPad Scoffs at Your Pathetic Christmas Presents
Nadine rips open the presents, revealing these primitive analog relics. But by noon, she’ll have forgotten about all of you.
I Am the Real Parson Brown, and Let Me Tell You—Identity Theft and Unsanctioned Weddings Are Serious Crimes!
This snowman wedding racket is a disgrace to the good name of clergymen everywhere.
Why Your End-of-Year Bonus Is a Pet Rock
You: Is there a financial component? Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
Montezuma Pleads with the Gods to Change His Act of Revenge
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
Is That Bolognese on Your Chinos, or Are You Bleeding Out in This Banana Republic?
I’m on thin ice with my manager, Trayson, and I can't afford another marinara mishap. Please, my job is on the line here.
Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Do Not Use That Stall, I Just Had a Huge Cry in There
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.