I know what you're thinking: how do you think holding another bikini car wash is appropriate when we haven’t cleaned up the blood from the last one?
“I’m absolutely sure that I’ve never cried this much in my entire life.” / “The day I went into physics class it was death.”
Welcome to your life! You’ve been lucky enough to draw the sought after white, middle-class, dual-working parent scenario.
I could tell he wasn’t like our past professors. There was a glimmer in his eye, a look that seemed to say: “I have had adventures with horses.”
At our first show without the droning hum of our generator, it was scary to launch into our opener, a cover of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.”
Running Shoes (1 pair): For use during the “Escape from Evil Stepmothers, Youth-Fixated Witches, and Tyrannical Kings” PE section. Adidas preferred.
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"
Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.
Forcing a dork to do all your homework for you and then not even turning it in, slowly introducing the concept of nihilism into their worldview.
This is a flexible position, in that you can decide when you are going to do any damn work even though you’re getting paid for it.
My headache thundered with every step, but we'd duel for hours with our tin-foil-covered balsa wood swords.
No one else in this house has to be a Morning Person other than the Wake-Up Fairy! Isn’t that great? And now it’s time to get ready for school.