The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class
Second Lady Karen Pence has provided access to beautiful color shades such as Partial Birth Abortion Red-Orange and I Can Tolerate Misogyny Maroon.
Tag: School
I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass
God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders."
I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class
Many have told me that there would not be a problem in the first place if I would just get out of the way. Unfortunately, that isn't how I see it.
Updating Christmas Stories and Songs for the Modern World
"It’s A Wonderful Life": George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.
21 Clever Ways to Hide Your Budding Homosexuality While Home for the Holidays This Year
4. While out caroling with your family aggressively sing, “make the yuletide straight!” when singing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas."
Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue
"I figured it must be secretly tangy and delicious, like key lime pie yogurt. So, yeah, I tried it. I'm not proud of it, but I did."
10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage
Research the Community Parking Regulations: Beverly Hightower, the girl you’ve been in love with since sophomore year, is sitting on your train.
When Did Purges Get So Corporate?
Every year there’s an escalation of more and more extreme Purge spectacles. And honest, hard-working citizens just can’t keep up.
How to Let Your Child Know You’re Not Mad She Wants to Be an English Major, Just Disappointed
When she says she'll study “lesbian themes in Dickinson,” raise your eyebrows to remind her “your brother studied computer science and has a 401K.”
Even Though I Am an Astronaut Whose Mom Had to Pick Him Up Early From Space, I Still Deserve Respect
The worst part was that a local news team ran a story that the reason my mom picked me up was because I was scared.
No, I’m Not a Turkey Wearing a Mustache, It’s Me, Your Uncle Joe
Can I just say that this is hands down (speaking of hands, I’ve got two of ‘em) my favorite Thanksgiving to date?
The UK’s Secret Plans for a No-Deal Brexit
If the pound plummets to junk status, Great Britain will return to the barter system. Price will be decided according to value in livestock.