There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
Tag: Science
How to Apologize to Your Dentist for Not Flossing
Looks like the Associated Press is reporting fake "you don't have to floss" news, and you'll have to admit: your dentist has always been right.
To My Family: Yes, I’m Donating My Body to the College of Liberal Arts
I don’t need my dead body being jabbed into on a cutting board by doctors. I'd rather help the humanities with their flow of corpses.
Teacher of the Year: Mr. Richard Head
When the barrier between student life and adulthood is pulled down, we hope that each of our graduates will stand out as a bulging success.
Study Shows Toddler Misbehavior Designed to Prepare Parents for Zombie Apocalypse
A study of 200,000 toddlers, conducted by scientists at Barnard College over 15 years, has determined that toddlers misbehave to prep their parents for doomsday scenarios.
Sleep Apnea: The Art of Choking on Your Own Throat
If I'm prescribed a sleep apnea mask, maybe I'll be able to get through my day without 7 cups of coffee. 7 cups is a normal amount, right?
I Ran So Fast to My Parking Meter That I Ripped Open a Wormhole in Time
If we don't get enough quarters into the Meter Colossus before sundown, we're all gonna get handed life's final parking ticket: death. Now, do you want to pay the fine?
Why Third World Countries Have So Much Trash
If these people are so poor, where's all the garbage coming from. Don't you have to have belongings first in order to have trash? I have a theory on where it all comes from.
Three Studies Scientists Don’t Want You to Know About
The majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with for-profit institutions. I, on the other hand, have three important independent findings to share.
Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs
Raptors are not just dim-witted lizards anymore. They can open doors, hack your phone, and steal your car. And they're threatening to takie your jobs right now.
Three Compelling Reasons Bigfoot is Real
Doubters of Bigfoot cling tightly to their claim that just because there is no physical evidence of Bigfoot's existence, Bigfoot isn’t real. And that logic just doesn't hold up.
Bewildering Test Questions Designed to Assess Personal Growth at Every Phase of Life
Test questions for every age group, starting with ones like, "If you were going to get eaten by an animal, which animal would you want to get eaten by? Explain."