16 Low-Cost Activities to Recreate the Comfort of the Womb
Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose.
Tag: Security
Our New Corporate Cybersecurity Rollout Protects Your Computer by Rendering It Completely Inaccessible to You
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
Unanswered 90’s Hollywood Want Ads
Hapless criminals looking for qualified candidate to provide wakeup service to a suburban Chicago family with an early morning flight.
Why Aren’t Tech Companies Taking More of My Data?
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"
An Oral History of Todd’s Hot Pocket Disaster of 2018
Rose* (Human Resources Officer, 1999-Present): He walked into this office on his very first day with that Hot Pocket.
Lil Math, the Highest Selling Algorithm in Gangsta Rap, Rants About the Music Industry
I always knew I was meant for something greater, something I can truly touch people with, and get as much cash and booty in the process as possible.
All the Things I’m Going to Ride Away From Thanks to the Ten Speed I Inherited When My Uncle Died
As I’ve come down with a bad case of wet-ass this summer (medical condition), Marcus could easily catch me and force me to share the bicycle.
TSA Guidelines for National Clown Week
Provide your real name. Slappy, Mr. Chuckles, Giggle Master, Miss Jiggles-a-Lot, and Happy Pappy are not legal names we recognize.
A Bank Security Guard’s Inner Monologue as a Nearby Street Musician Performs Hall & Oates’ Greatest Hits
Wait a minute, if this busker is singing “Private Eyes” again, that means that he’s starting his repertoire again from the top.
Thank You for Calling Divided Health!
You'll be on hold for at least 45 minutes before you hang up in an impotent rage, so may I help you with anything else before I transfer you over?
I, The Boogeyman, Think You Should Vaccinate Your Child
What’s the point of locating a family to scare and waiting under a bed, if when I crawl out to scare the kid, they’re not even in there?
If Google is Serious About Regaining Our Trust, It Must Start by Offering Alternative Ways to Torture the Small Yellow Man in Google Maps
The Google Maps user demands options, from dangling the man above a pack of wild dogs, to launching him across the Bering Strait in a slingshot.