I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m a Reptilian Agent Sent to Destroy Humankind
I don’t dress for the male gaze. I dress to cover my biohazardous innards so no one detects I’m a heat-seeking scaled creature.
Tag: Sex
We Are the Feet in the Photo Accompanying Every Humor Piece Ever Written About Sex
There we are, four feet peeking out, intimating that our other body parts are currently engaged in some very exciting and hidden sexual activity.
The Sad Tale of the Inflatable Wacky Tube Man
"We have orders from the city to remove that thing from your property. Effective immediately.” He pointed toward the Inflatable Wacky Tube Man.
Mr. Peanut Addresses His 23andMe Results
For years you’ve trusted me as the man/peanut hybrid from uncertain origins who loved one thing and one thing alone: selling Planter’s Peanuts.
Please Stop Bursting Into My Darkroom to Question Me About a Murder
How do you think the Andersons feel when I deliver their photos, and half of them are so overexposed that you can’t see the barn they’re leaning on?
Important Tips for Creating and Managing Your Dad’s Orgasm After Telling Him You Opened a Roth IRA
Give your dad the gift of a Roth IRA orgasm for Father's Day without having to label it incest.
Books If They Were Written By Shakespeare
Moby Dick by Shakespeare would have seen the white whale be able to speak and he would have sassed Ahab to his grave.
Romantic Advice From a Plump Young Hen
You name it, I’ve been through it. Casual flings. True love. Nits. Pink eye. And I’ve been a truthteller and a trendsetter through it all.
All the Things I Would Have Said to the Dentist Who Insulted My Wife’s Teeth If I Wasn’t Busy With My Jet Ski That Day
When I got a text from my wife that you looked at her beautiful food grinders and said, “Are these rocks in your mouth? Who put these in?” I got mad.
Top Ten Floats From the Boston Straight Pride Parade
The Dropkick Murphys performing "Shipping Up to Boston" while Irish dudes do shots and maybe make out a little bit just to see what it's like.
In Retrospect, Maybe It Was Kind of Obvious That Mitch McConnell’s Kink Was Being Torn Apart By an Angry Crowd
There were signs: Marco Rubio found Mitch had recently searched for “sexy outraged citizens tear male politician to shreds video.”
I Thought I Loved Derrick to the Moon and Back, But We Still Have 318,000 Miles Left in This Voyage and I Think I Might Kill Him
I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.