Women, Here’s What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like
More friendly advice for those women thinking about online dating...because my advice for men the first time around wasn't enough.
Tag: Sex
How Silent Films Taught Me to Be a Better Lover
My girlfriend Mary Lou always told me to stop twirling my mustache and tying her to train tracks, but I never really took it seriously, you know?
Quiz: Have You Met the Girl of Your Dreams on Tinder, or HPV’s Patient Zero?
Mere moments after meeting her, she begins choking violently. A quick Heimlich produces an unsettling amount of used condoms. YES / NO
It Is With a Heavy Heart and Definitely Not Under Legal Pressure That I am Closing My Billy Joel Themed Strip Club
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
10 Things You’ll Never Hear on a College Campus
Just because you never hear these things in college doesn't mean they aren't true. Especially the parts about cheating, masturbation, and taking advantage of helpless animals.
5 Things Trump Can Do to Be a Better President While I Wait for Season 6 of House of Cards
Five things I wholeheartedly believe will save Trump's presidency and definitely not destroy his reputation any further, based on my House of Cards knowledge.
An Open Letter to My Agent on Why I’m Done Writing Erotica
I know I've been the best selling erotica author for the past decade, but Diane has been up my ass lately, and Billy is almost four now. Time to move away from lust.
No, I Definitely Said Netflix and Chili
Oh, hey, hi! No, I'm not mad you're half an hour late. But I'm not sure why you're standing there holding that ginormous box of condoms.
Teaching My Ignorant Dog and Cat About Sex
A lot of animals out there haven't had the proper education when it comes to sex, which is obvious from all of the stupid YouTube videos of idiot dogs humping each other's heads.
Why I Switched to the Tent-Based Menstruation System
That's right, women used to spend their menstrual cycle in a tent, free from all men and sanitation. After testing, I agree, it's a bloody great idea.
How to Navigate Gay Hookup Culture in 30 Easy Steps
Download Grindr and find a Face, lest you wind up messaging the Headless Horseman. You don't want to be the guy who gives head to the Headless Horseman.
15 Alternative Birth Control Methods in Trump’s America
A helpful list of alternative and underutilized birth control methods for women worried about potential changes to American healthcare laws.