Guestbook Entries from a Hotel That Definitely Has a Man in the Walls
Nice place. Lovely sheets. Good shampoo. Someone kissed me in the middle of the night.
Tag: Sleep
Every Situation in Which I Would Literally Say, “You Snooze, You Lose”
I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”
A Guided Meditation for Your Late-Night Existential Dread
That was dumb. You broke your toe on a cheap desk. Inhale. Clear your mind of that very stupid thing you did. Exhale. Stupid.
This Is Your 3 AM Existential Dread Wake-up Call
Let’s see. What else can we dredge up from the darkest recesses of your mind to totally fuck up your night?
A Guide to the Various Women of My Dreams
Including "The Capable Ice Road Trucker" and "The Priest Who Challenged Me to a Rap Battle at My Nephew’s Baptism.”
You Can Achieve All Your Dreams with No Sleep
It's the second night that gets tricky. That's when the bats come.
5 Sleep Hacks to Help You Feel More Rested and Less Anxious About That Time You Accidentally Ran Over a Hitchhiker
Sleep hacks to help you wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and less dreadful about the eternal damnation of your soul.
Every Time, Ranked by Lateness
5:00 AM – Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!
Aromas Everyone Will Remember from Sleepaway Camp
Fragrant blueberry bush behind the cabin where you tossed your urine-soaked sleeping bag in a panic to get rid of the evidence.
The Inspiring Productivity Secrets of Morning People
Rise and grind, baby! And by that, I mean use an angle grinder to try and remove my court-mandated tracking bracelet.
I Insist You Stay with Me, and You’re Going to Hate It
I only have dry toast. Hope you like millet bread. I’ll just cut the mold off, and we’ll be good to go.
Idioms and the Recurring Nightmares That Make Me Shout Them as I Wake Up
“Bite the bullet!” -- I am directing Rambo 6 and Sylvester Stallone is being very disobedient.