Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less of a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and More of a “Depression Meal at Walmart”
As she trails off, she restarts "The Office" on Netflix for the twenty-fifth time and pulls her couch blanket over herself.
Tag: Sleep
H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases
Sun Lamp for Seasonal Affective Disorder, One Star: I returned this lamp to Amazon. With luck it will sleep eternally in the depths of their warehouses.
Christopher Columbus Discovered Heaven
The only problem with Heaven is that it doesn’t last long, depending on how strong your beans are, and so the key is to keep drinking more of it.
Welcome to Your Guided Meditation for Creatives
Now that we’re well into our session, stop and rearrange your bookshelf. Go ahead. It’s like productive procrastination which is almost meditation.
“Carpe Diem” and Other Things You Cannot Do
"Hannibal ad portas" --- "Hannibal is at the gates" Wait, no, just kidding, it’s the pizza guy again.
To the Stranger Who Hogged the Dance Dance Revolution Machine
How did you ask me to watch your gallon jug of water without a second thought or an inkling of remorse?
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read?
You’re talking to the guy who read a few passages from Aristotle’s “Poetics,” but also read the Wikipedia summary several times.
How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl
Thanks to my newly acquired need for a speed supplier, I finally found my bad-boy boyfriend. He also cooked meth on the side and almost blew me up once or twice while I was asleep.
Please Give Me Custody of the Foosball Table
Please, I'm begging you to let me hold those knobs in my hands. I want to hear the sound of that little soccer ball dropping onto the table.
What Did You Do This Summer?
You ran a marathon? Impressive! How was it? I bet. The first five are always the hardest, then you move on to Ironmans.
When is the Best Time to Visit New York?
There are three distinct rivers in New York summers: the Hudson, the East, and the one continuously flowing down into your ass crack.
I Didn’t Spend Four Years at Juilliard Studying Percussion To Be Called “Mr. Tambourine Man”
"You'll come following me in the jingle jangle morning," will you? You're going to stalk me? Is that a threat?