Updates From Your Facebook Group “Here’s To Your Health Anxiety”
After extensive testing of my symptoms by repeated Googling for “huge lumps neck cancer dying,” I’ve been self-diagnosed with a very rare tumor.
Tag: Sleep
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
False Starts to My New Noir Novel
Mother slapped me. She was a former NYPD detective, eighty-eight years old and in the early stages of dementia.
Emeline, Please Respond, For the Squid’s Power Only Grows
An orange squid has entered my dreams, watching me practice my ascending spin and barrel sculls with languid disinterest. I cannot banish him.
It’s Me, the Dog at the Foot of Your Bed, and I’d Love to Get In On That Sex You’re Having
I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from you two and am very excited to join in! I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn.
Who Needs Therapy When You Have a Career?
Adjusting the height of my desk chair is my therapy. Nothing says self-care like taking small measures to prevent repetitive strain injury.
Dreams Interpreted By Your Aunt From Massachusetts
Falling: Your subconscious is saying that you need to go back to school or enlist. You’re falling away from your stupid wakeboarding career.
Hair Loss Got You Down? Try the Mountain Hermit Cure
Where are all the people who keep saying you look like Dr. Evil? Who cares! You have to survive a -40 degree blizzard by finding a cave to sleep in!
The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone
I’m outside now, walking to the nearby pizza shop. There are people everywhere, so many of them, crawling all over the place.
Optimize Your Originality by Copying Famous Creatives’ Daily Habits
Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): Awoken by spousal uppercut at 6:30, the philosopher began an impressive washing regimen; Kant felt his mind was sharpened by pouring pitchers of cold water over himself.
A Conversation Pretending I Know What a Mortgage Is
Claire, who had 14 bridesmaids, each of whom eats half of their late night Chicken Fajita wrap treat and puts the other in the fridge: “Wait, what?”
I Am the Woman Who Bakes Brownies for Her Coworkers on a Weeknight, and My Life is Definitely Not Crumbling Before My Eyes
I made the brownies with one hand while reading for my ChickLits book club. Sleep is a societal construct! I think I’m starting to hallucinate.