Tag: Snippets

The Snippets Restrain Themselves

Me: So you have a restraining order on your live-in boyfriend? How do you work that? Billie: It's easy. He loves me. And I love him... from five hundred feet anyway.

The Snippets Die Hard

<p>Lisa: She said she couldn’t believe that we would treat her like that on the anniversary of her mother’s death.<br />Dan: Like we’re supposed to know when her mom died. <br />Gordon: We should totally make that a new Facebook setting. We could start a new Hallmark trend.

The Snippets Introduce Joshua

<p>Some raging crazy kid: Excuse me sir. Could I please have a cigarette from you? <br />Me: Sure. A cigarette, a beer, a mineral water, my television. Anything that will calm you the fuck down. <br /><br />Me: Can I ask you a personal question?<br />Crazy Kid: Sure. <br />Me: What's your name?<br />Kid: Josh. <br /><br />Me: I can't believe you called the cops.

The Snippets are Not at Work

<p>Danielle: There's no water.<br />Me: Anywhere?<br />Danielle: Yes, Nathan, the entire world is out of water. <br />Me: Seriously, what are you talking about?<br />Danielle: The pump for the water tower broke and there's like, three or four complexes without any water. And we're one of ‘em. <br />Me: So, where do I poop?

The Snippets Got a Plan

<p>Wiggy: Are you gonna finish eating that?<br />Me: That was my intention when I purchased it.<br />Wiggy: And now how do you feel about it?<br />Me: Pretty good. I think I'll meet my goal. <br />Wiggy: You can spare a couple fries, can't you?<br />Me: I can. <br />Wiggy: But you ain't offering me none?<br />Me: Don't look that shocked. I don't like you.

Wedding Weekend Snippets

<p><font size="3"><strong>Thursday, February 18th (Day of the Bachelor Party)</strong></font></p> <p>Brian: Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?<br />Me: Really, no one says hello anymore. </p>

The Snippets Write Broke

<p>Me: You know that website I write for?<br />Scotty: Yeah.<br />Me: I'm not allowed to post directly anymore.<br />Scotty: What's directly?<br />Me: Your mom. Your mom is directly. <br />Scotty: Dude you can't post up on my mom. Her skills will crush you. <br />Me: It's not a basketball thing. <br />Scotty: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. </p>

The Snippets Respect Tradition

<p>Ray: Why are you always throwing ice up into the air and catching it in your mouth?<br />Me: Tradition.<br />Ray: I don't understand. <br />Scotty: No one does, Ray. No one does. </p>

The Snippets Toast Tom

<p>Mywoman: Are you gonna wear a suit to the wake?<br />Me: A suit? Hell no. Tom would rather die than make me wear a suit. <br />Mywoman: Honey, he is dead.<br />Me: And he still wouldn't dream of making me wear a suit. He's a great guy like that. </p>

Alumni Swim Team Snippets

The CU Swim Team is the most quote heavy group I've ever hung out with. Here's what these foul-mouthed degenerates had to say.

The Snippets Wish Kevin a Happy Birthday

Lisa: If you ever cheated on me, I would cut off your butt. <br />Me: Why would you do that?<br />Lisa: So you wouldn't be that cute anymore. <br />Me: But my butt? What? Like you think it's my best feature or something?<br />Lisa: It's certainly not your mouth. <br /><br /> Tim: Nobody likes you very much.<br />Me: I get that a lot. <br />Chip: I'll bet. <br />

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