<p>Me: I cannot believe you just wiped your toothbrush off on my freshly cleaned robe.<br />Roxy: Hey, I allow anal. You'll just deal.<br />Me: Seems fair, actually. </p><p>Roxy: Chris's wife won't kiss me.<br />Chris: She only kisses friends.<br />Scotty: Maybe they should get to know each other.<br />Me: Yeah, like really fast. </p>
My girlfriend is having a hard time breaking up with her girlfriend and now the girlfriend of my girlfriend has my number and she’s threatening me and I don’t know whether or not I should take her seriously.
<p>The following is my personal version of <a href="/user/9">Nate DeGraaf</a>'s legendary <a href="/blogs/nathan-degraaf/snippets-archive">Snippets</a>.</p>
<p>Craig: You know what baffles me about torture?</p><p>Dave: Let me think... Nope. Not a clue. </p><p>Craig: It's that they can find people who are ready and willing to torture another man. The concept just doesn't seem appealing to me. </p>
<p>Tito: So, the bitch gets drunk before she has to go to talk to the state attorney. </p><p>Me: Why?</p><p>Tito: She said it would help my case.</p><p>Me: Why would she think that?</p><p>Tito: Man, if you ask that every time I tell you some dumb shit that she does, these conversations are gonna be unnecessarily long. </p><p>Me: Dug.</p><p>Tito: Huh?</p>
Me: Wow. I cannot believe how much Winnie the Pooh shit you have. Janine: It’s a hobby. Me: No. Hobbies are like when you collect coins or build model airplanes. This is an unhealthy obsession. Stu: How do you think I feel? I’m gonna be trapped in this apartment for thirty days surrounded by Winnie the Pooh.
The Snippets and the Impure Tour is Nathan DeGraaf's first book, based on a true story about a kid who followed the Grateful Dead, and the ever-popular, humorous "snippets" of conversation along the way.
Danielle: You look depressed. Me: Albert Pujols got injured yesterday. He'll probably be out for a month. Danielle: Who's gonna be out of what now? Me: The best position player on the Cardinals got injured. Danielle: Wait. Don't all players play a position? Me: Do you really want to hear the long explanation for that baseball term? Danielle: No.
Me: So, why the hell should I care who wins, again? Jake: It's Lakers/Celtics. You have to give a shit. Me: Why? I don't root for either team. Jake: It's like Star Wars. Either you're a Sith fan or a Jedi fan. Me: Honestly, you really need to move out of your parents' place. Me: Why are you calling me Little Nate? Scott: Because Big Nate is bigger than you.
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Ashley: So, you're taking Friday off to watch the spelling bee?<br />Me: The semi-finals, yup.<br />Ashley: You are so such a geek.<br />Me: The spelling bee kicks ass and everyone knows it. All non-believers will be swayed.<br />Ashley: Dork.<br /><br />Scott: I don't know how I feel about carrying this mattress.<br />Me: Nobody does.<br />
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Aaron: Dude, you work at the softball fields, right?<br />Greg: Yeah. <br />Aaron: Here's what you need to do. You need to develop a way so that like, when the chicks slide, their uniforms peel off. <br />Me: Dude, that is just fucking dumb. <br />Aaron: What? You're telling me it wouldn't be awesome?
Me: Hey do you think you can help me move?<br />Scott: No. <br />Me: I won't need much help. <br />Scott: Where you moving to?<br />Me: Next door. <br />Scott: You know, that move probably won't provide much of a change of scenery. <br />Me: I don't know dude. Sometimes there's a whole new world next door. <br />Scott: Have you been huffing paint?<br />