Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown
Apparently, my haters think I’m ‘off the hook’ but in a bad way, something I didn’t even know was possible.
Tag: Speeches
The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All
A master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass. It’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit.
To the Oscar Statue That Made Me Deeply Uncomfortable During Guillermo Del Toro’s Acceptance Speech
Dear Statue, I believe unequivocally that you and I now share some cosmic bond after we locked eyes during Del Toro's acceptance speech.
Please Reconsider Me for the Role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1”
Sorry for barging into your casting office, but I believe you're making a huge mistake. Dare I say it, a monumental casting blunder.
Interview Notes from Trump’s Personal Biographer
If I push hard enough, will this pen go into my brain? Will the Secret Service stop me? There's no way I'm leaving alive; I've seen too much.
Donald Trump’s Patent Application for Liam Neeson’s Monologue from “Taken”
The president needs a a speech you say into a phone, so the bad guy knows, by the end of the movie, he's going to bite it. Big time!
Opening Statement from Congressional Conservatives Following Historic Tax Bill Approval
Good afternoon, America! We've recently learned that humor is the best way to break bad news. Good thing the new tax bill is great news!
Young Wizarding School Orientation Speech
Rest assured, students do not learn teleportation until their fourth year. We had some minor issues with spontaneous combustion in the past, which is why we pushed it back.
I’m the “Him” From the “Trainers HATE Him” Ads, and I’m Sorry
I must confess: I'm the "him" that personal trainers hate from all those ads. I stumbled upon a simple trick to cruise past weightlifting plateaus and gain 42 pounds of muscle in just one month.
Fido’s “Good Dog” Award Acceptance Speech
For generations, all of dogkind has pondered the age-old question: Who is a good dog? Is it me? Is it? Is it??? Now we finally know: it's me.
Kim Jong Un’s Inspiring Halftime Speech After a Failed Missile Test
"You really think you deserve to destroy America after a test like that? My father and grandfather are rolling in their graves right now at the thought."
So Your Professor Dreams All Came Crashing Down in One Ugly Q&A
Bruce stood on the stage of the auditorium drenched in sweat, silently waving with his fake ass smile plastered on while the crowd sat in silence horrified.