The Email Conversation I Had with My Middle School Vice Principal after Repeatedly Butt-Dialing Him While Riding a Mechanical Bull
"Unless this is some sort of street lingo I need to brush up on, I think you may have accidentally contacted me. LOL!"
Tag: Sports
Week 8 of the 2019 Dating Season
Heather vs Joe: These singles are set to meet on Thursday to open Week 8 and it’s expected to be a close one, as they both have a fondness for PDA.
Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.
Impostor Syndrome at the Space Olympics
You are supposed to be here no matter what the Space Squids wrote on your locker in 4-dimensional ink that you had to get a Helper-Droid to translate.
A Recruitment Letter from the Williams College Combat Juggling Team
I caught your last prep school match against Groton, and let me be plain: you are a truly gifted combat juggler, a “once-in-a-century” talent.
Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Found
1. Sept 5, 2000 - The Band One / Identifying Marks: Your HS boyfriend’s crappy ska band logo. / Acquired From: Back seat of said boyfriend’s POS car.
Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Lost
1. August 8, 1996 - The Maroon One / Identifying Marks: Band logo on the front. / Missing From: Back seat of your POS first car.
Baseball Fans Struck by Foul Thoughts While Just Trying to Enjoy a Ballgame
The crowd exploded, and it hit me: the game is going into extra innings, and I’m going to have to endure another four torturous years of Trump.
I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m a Reptilian Agent Sent to Destroy Humankind
I don’t dress for the male gaze. I dress to cover my biohazardous innards so no one detects I’m a heat-seeking scaled creature.
Illness-Related Feats I Accomplished at Work That Are Equivalent or Better Than Michael Jordan’s Flu Game
How about some credit for processing all invoices while my boss lectured me on "eating too many microwaved oyster and pastrami sandwiches at work"?
Microaggressions Endured By the Defending Champion US Women’s National Soccer Team
Stadium security: It’s dangerous, wearing something that makes you look that good. Did you get all dolled up just for me, honey?
I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.