If You Awful Bros Vote Democratic You Can Call Me “F*ggot” Once, No Strings Attached
There's no catch, except that I'm going to be making sure you check each and every one of those little "D" boxes on your ballot, you hetero freaks.
Tag: Sports
How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again
If your friend's team was the one that eliminated your team, tell them they can see you at your funeral.
Colin Kaepernick Would Be a Distraction, So We’ve Signed Donald Trump To Be Our New Quarterback
Luckily, the staff at the White House told us that things actually run a lot better when he’s not around, so they’ve agreed to lend him to us for the next few years.
I’m the Pharaoh of This House and Therefore Must Be Buried in My Man-Cave
Supposedly, the journey to the after-life is long. And so, I’ll need my grill and some prime-ass steaks for the long ride.
Please Give Me Custody of the Foosball Table
Please, I'm begging you to let me hold those knobs in my hands. I want to hear the sound of that little soccer ball dropping onto the table.
I Am Serena’s Tutu
Like Andre Agassi’s mullet, I shall never be replicated. Like Stan Smith’s Stan Smiths, I am immortal.
“Mission: Impossible Fallout” Fails to Fully Capture My Experience of Life as a White Man
I’m worried about the young white boy who watches this movie and doesn’t realize there’s pleasure in riding a helicopter that doesn’t entail gunfire.
Want to Not Keep Score at This Game I’m Terrible At?
Let’s just relax and not keep score except in a silent and secretive manner that I will only publicize if I happen to be in the lead at hole 17.
Jerry Maguire Quotes That Literally Sum Up My Boys’ Weekend in Atlantic City
“Show Me the Money!” I kept shouting this because I thought it was pretty funny (I mean, we were in the casino and I was trying to win the big bucks)
Dear Lady With the Bad Attitude in My 6AM Aerial Class: I Love You
You head straight to your corner, even though reserving spots isn't allowed, we all know it’s yours since you’re a woman of habit. And we fear you.
The Thunder in Paradise: Poems Created From Interviews With Hulk Hogan, Part 3
get red-hot, / a white meat babyface / I would always tease him / by calling him “Broccoli” / even if it made things worse.
Weighing All of LeBron James’ Possible Moves
Washington: By successfully recruiting James, the Washington Generals could finally have a shot at taking down those damn Harlem Globetrotters.