The Most Exciting Relationship I’ve Ever Had
She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.
Tag: Stories
The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog
Employing a more acceptable word like "neuter" would not alter the graphic significance of such a canine procedure, at least to any human male.
How Christmas Provoked My Dad’s First F Word in Front of Us
My dad cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." All because he didn't know how to use a handsaw.
I Look for the Horse Sex
After stumbling on his internet search, all I can picture is my dad fucking a horse. It's not something you can let slide, like forgetting to turn the AC off.
Bernard Has a Mole
Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago. Well, he was pretty sure he didn't.
A Halfords Bicycle Nightmare
In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot. And it absolutely sucks.
My Introduction to YMCA Summer Camp and Adult Penises
These were the first adult penises I'd ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me avoid changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life.
My Week with Carolyn
We stay at a hotel on the outskirts of Tokyo. Carolyn complains about the meerkat infestation because they're not indigenous to this part of Tokyo. Oh Carolyn.
The Volcano That LSD Built
After a 20-hour plus binge of cocaine, MDMA, and nitrous, I took a drop of acid. And right there and then I decided that I would build an active volcano on the British Isle.
The Boy Who Cried Fuck
The boy was always "fucking wasted," "fucking shit-faced," or just plain "fucking drunk." And he needed favors from his friends one too many fucking times.
The Highs and Lows of Touring with a Moderately Successful Rock Band
Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. But that's just part of the underbelly of band life on the road.
The Worst Kisser on the Planet
The first time I kissed Jake it was a bad idea. He was funny and nice , but kissing him led to the most painful word any girl could ever hear from a boy ever: "OUCH."