I Look for the Horse Sex
After stumbling on his internet search, all I can picture is my dad fucking a horse. It's not something you can let slide, like forgetting to turn the AC off.
Tag: Stories
Bernard Has a Mole
Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago. Well, he was pretty sure he didn't.
A Halfords Bicycle Nightmare
In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot. And it absolutely sucks.
My Introduction to YMCA Summer Camp and Adult Penises
These were the first adult penises I'd ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me avoid changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life.
My Week with Carolyn
We stay at a hotel on the outskirts of Tokyo. Carolyn complains about the meerkat infestation because they're not indigenous to this part of Tokyo. Oh Carolyn.
The Volcano That LSD Built
After a 20-hour plus binge of cocaine, MDMA, and nitrous, I took a drop of acid. And right there and then I decided that I would build an active volcano on the British Isle.
The Boy Who Cried Fuck
The boy was always "fucking wasted," "fucking shit-faced," or just plain "fucking drunk." And he needed favors from his friends one too many fucking times.
The Highs and Lows of Touring with a Moderately Successful Rock Band
Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. But that's just part of the underbelly of band life on the road.
The Worst Kisser on the Planet
The first time I kissed Jake it was a bad idea. He was funny and nice , but kissing him led to the most painful word any girl could ever hear from a boy ever: "OUCH."
The Day I Turned Your Mom Upside Down
"Your mom" has always been a fairly standard insult, but when it's consistently leveled at you by the cool kids in middle school, it's time to shake up the game.
Dear Vanessa, The Salmon Stole Your Lover
Vanessa, I know how much you adore Thad. I regret that we found that moaning man at The Salmon Cowboy, but we can't escape this fishy sexual proposition now.
Blind People Be Trippin’, Ya’ll
I tripped over a blind guy's walking stick in a crosswalk, and I have come to the daunting conclusion that I must squarely place the blame on the blind.