What’s That Noise Outside? I Should Have Bought a Gun
I should have been a gun guy, or even a gunsmith. I could have made hundreds of them and stored them all over my house. Why did I become an accountant?
Tag: Stories
Pooping While on Acid
It's taken me a lot to get to this point: taking a poop on acid. For those of you who never intend to drop acid, this is what it means to poop while tripping: everything.
The Most Exciting Relationship I’ve Ever Had
She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.
The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog
Employing a more acceptable word like "neuter" would not alter the graphic significance of such a canine procedure, at least to any human male.
How Christmas Provoked My Dad’s First F Word in Front of Us
My dad cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." All because he didn't know how to use a handsaw.
I Look for the Horse Sex
After stumbling on his internet search, all I can picture is my dad fucking a horse. It's not something you can let slide, like forgetting to turn the AC off.
Bernard Has a Mole
Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago. Well, he was pretty sure he didn't.
A Halfords Bicycle Nightmare
In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot. And it absolutely sucks.
My Introduction to YMCA Summer Camp and Adult Penises
These were the first adult penises I'd ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me avoid changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life.
My Week with Carolyn
We stay at a hotel on the outskirts of Tokyo. Carolyn complains about the meerkat infestation because they're not indigenous to this part of Tokyo. Oh Carolyn.
The Volcano That LSD Built
After a 20-hour plus binge of cocaine, MDMA, and nitrous, I took a drop of acid. And right there and then I decided that I would build an active volcano on the British Isle.
The Boy Who Cried Fuck
The boy was always "fucking wasted," "fucking shit-faced," or just plain "fucking drunk." And he needed favors from his friends one too many fucking times.