The Time I Accidentally Climbed a Volcano
"Oh my dear sweet literal fuck that is a volcano I am on a volcano oh fuck a volcano is steaming under my feet and I am not a lucky person I am going to die!"
Tag: Stories
How I Sold My BS in Nutrition
The number one rule of bullshitting: If you know you don't have the tools or experience, think of someone who does and pretend to be them.
The Tax Man Cometh
With your know-how of American tax code, you end up saving the Joneses seventeen dollars and a mandatory Dane Cook concert. If only that was reward enough.
I Steal Breakfast
All I wanted to do was to use the bathroom and get back on the road, but a lovely woman working the breakfast station approached me and said, "Come grab a bite."
Porter Potter Elementary, The School That Gives a Crap
I'm Vice Principal Rudd. Welcome to Porter Potter Elementary School's annual Spring Thing Carnival, honoring the founding father of our fair city, the inventor of the PortoPotty.
Now I Know Why Strippers Don’t Eat Indian Food
It's hard enough to cook Indian food that tastes good, but to follow up a lousy meal with a gassy pole dancing class in front of real strippers just adds insult to injury.
We’ll Take on Obama, Man
If Obama-nation thinks he can be a dictator in the U.S. he's got another thing coming. We'll be right there to stop him. You and me, and our right to bare arms.
The Nuremburger Trial
Scott Willard didn't look at himself as a 58-year-old guy in just any clown suit. He was THE Ronald McDonald; a beloved, recognizable icon more popular than Jesus Christ.
My First Day at the Circus
The guy who used to make the popcorn, who is now Bruinhilda, the Spectacular Dancing Bear of the Mysterious Gypsies, tells me I got lucky.
My First Day of School, Part 2
Before I walked in to school, I took a second to look in the mirror and reassure myself that I'm powerful and people respect me and that I was going to make the kids my slaves.
My First Day at Church
As I walked up to the building for the first time, all of the altar boys in the church started pointing at me and whispering as if I was some kind of a freak.
My First Day of Senility
I knew that while meeting my children that day for the first time would be a happy experience, I would be enduring the strange feeling of knowing nobody.