Spent by the Bell
As I exit the school I hear laughter and it reminds me of a time when we were full of promise and ambition. A time when we were invincible and nothing could bring us down.
Tag: Stories
How My Balls Shrunk in Paradise
A secret Hawaiian beach shortcut quickly goes downhill from swimsuit model paradise to coastal jagged rock hell, where making it out with open flesh wounds and dozens of crab bites is a win.
My Adopted Dog is Totally Neurotic
There are two things keeping my boxer Tessa and I from having that perfect fairytale family. One: she is neurotic, and two: I'm a horrible dog-mommy.
The Relationship Interview with Wesley Jansen
Wesley Jansen relaxes and provides honest responses to a relationship interviewer attempting to match him up with a female applicant. We quickly learn some men lack suitable experience.
Confessions of a Sperm Donor
Sperm donation is not, as depicted in Hollywood, a one-off business supplied by broke college students in a madcap adventure, or women who spit. It's serious (satisfying) business.
Purgatory is Probably a Public Pool
The average male brain is designed to handle only a limited amount of dong exposure. Which is why attempting to suit up to swim in a public pool carries dangerous mental risks.
It’s Not You, It’s Your Dog
We've been together for a year, but I can't do this anymore. Not only do I hate your retarded dog, I hate you for subjecting me to it, under the guise that he would somehow improve.
The HIV Test
The sweat starts pouring when they put you in the room to wait for your STD results. Even if you have nothing to worry about, the pits get a little damp. Such is fucking life.
The Evolution of Breasts
Why did female homo sapiens end up with curvaceous figures while our mammalian brethren can only gaze upon flat skin and droopy nipples? The answer is both complex and childish.
Why Do We Need to Learn This?
As a teacher, I often get frustrated when my students ask me the question, 'Why do we need to learn this?' So I finally forced myself to sit down and construct the ultimate answer.
The Gift Money Can’t Buy: A Few Kind Words
My siblings and I are supposed to give my parents something they don't have already, but this is a tough task, considering they already buy everything.
Your Jackass Friends Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Your jackass fraternity brothers are in trouble. Zombies are attacking left and right, and they're too stoned or self-involved to make decisions or care about pledges dying.