Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms: WTF is Happening to My Dick?!
If you're using a Trojan Fire & Ice chemically-enhanced condom without knowing it, like I was, the ensuing sex can be one of the most horrifying experiences of your life.
Tag: Stories
The Wiley Armadillo Battle
In the battleground that has become my front yard, a relentless hole-digging monster works diligently under the cover of darkness to make me look foolish.
The Glory of King Tut
Arbitrary waiting has become my drug. I feed my addiction by going to grocery stores and lining up without anything to purchase. Sometimes when I'm really hurting I go and camp out for the next Harry Potter movie.
Habitat for Inhumanity
I don't claim to be the cleanest person on the block, but I do believe in a basic minimum inalienable standard of acceptable human living conditions. And Shanty Town doesn't qualify.
Fear and Loathing at My Parents’ House
Reluctantly, I agreed to take care of my mother’s cat while she was out of town. Being a lover of all animals, you'd think I'd have been excited - but you'd be mistaken.
On the Destruction of Kindness
Instead of the wonderful Korean language that once filled the teacher's lounge with beauty and dignity, the atmosphere became impregnated with George Carlin rhetoric.
Senior Stumble vs. The Cops
Every May, some University of San Francisco seniors coordinate a bar stumble to celebrate the conclusion of $160,000 and four years of boobs, booze, and SparkNotes.
Game, Set, Match: My Short-Lived Adventure in the Humanities
My Humanities degree wasn't enough to prepare me for the prospect of the real-world, competitive unknown. Fortunately, I resembled a missing pro tennis player.
Dead Baby Jokes Don’t Sit Well with Mom
A couple of days ago I found a site devoted to the most gruesome, disgusting, and hilarious dead baby jokes ever. Only problem was, my mom was right behind me.
Marcus vs. the KFC Double Down
Colonel Sanders learns the hard way that you never play chicken with a sandwich unless you're willing to eat it in the end.
The Dregs of Society
Once upon a recession, a family of wandering gypsies arrived in America by steamer from Istanbul, and their long stay at the Marriott proved more fruitful than expected.
Facebooking My Biological Father
The following are actual Facebook messages between me and my biological father, who has been absent from my life since I was about five years old.