How to Fail a Semester from Day One
On the first day of class, I was brimming with excitement. I woke up at ten o’clock and started running around my house trying to stir up some enthusiasm for morning cocktails.
Tag: Stories
Red-Faced, White and Blue
Portrayal of the Great British public in American media has improved lately. So when I see one of my countrymen letting the side down, it makes me want to club them over the head.
Of All the Gas Stations in All the World
"Hey, David," I say to the cashier manning the register at my all-time favorite gas station. I have a soft spot for gas stations for two reasons: nonjudgment and proximity.
Why We Love to Hate: The LeBron James Lesson
When the Miami Heat lost the NBA Championship, a sigh of relief went out in 49 states. You see, most of America learned to resent all things LeBron James in just one year's time.
The Best Elevator Music I’ve Ever Heard
I was the center of elevator attention and not in the best way. The doors opened on 17 and everyone--and I mean everyone--got out. I slumped to the floor.
The Monkey and the Horse
My friend Todd went out with a big girl. When I say big, I don't mean fat, I mean AMAZONIAN. This is the story of their first and only awkward hookup.
Romantic Firsts: I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours
Brooke and I had just finished a spectacular recess. I pulled her hair. She threw rocks at me. It was magical. Then came what will forever be known as 'The Naptime Fiasco.'
Spent by the Bell
As I exit the school I hear laughter and it reminds me of a time when we were full of promise and ambition. A time when we were invincible and nothing could bring us down.
How My Balls Shrunk in Paradise
A secret Hawaiian beach shortcut quickly goes downhill from swimsuit model paradise to coastal jagged rock hell, where making it out with open flesh wounds and dozens of crab bites is a win.
My Adopted Dog is Totally Neurotic
There are two things keeping my boxer Tessa and I from having that perfect fairytale family. One: she is neurotic, and two: I'm a horrible dog-mommy.
The Relationship Interview with Wesley Jansen
Wesley Jansen relaxes and provides honest responses to a relationship interviewer attempting to match him up with a female applicant. We quickly learn some men lack suitable experience.
Confessions of a Sperm Donor
Sperm donation is not, as depicted in Hollywood, a one-off business supplied by broke college students in a madcap adventure, or women who spit. It's serious (satisfying) business.