iPhone Number Three Meets Chappy’s Number Two
If you tell someone that you dropped a phone in the toilet, they invariably have but one question: 'Was it clean, or….you know?'
Tag: Stories
The Yogurt Palace: My Years as a King
I worked a different 9 to 5, PM to AM. I was the night maintenance guy at the Yogurt Palace, and I had the whole Palace to myself. For those 9 hours, I was king.
How to Avoid Being Butt-Fucked By a Goat in Two Easy Steps
I bet Billy Mays could do a lot more than sell useless crap to dumb people. Can you imagine having him as your wingman at the bar? I can.
The Mini-Skirt Squirts
If you think dining hall grub smells bad freshly cooked, imagine a girl, in a mini-skirt, in the middle of class, in the middle of the row, who just shit herself.
One Ticket to the Pee Parade, Please
'These people are eating McDonald’s, how much more grossed out could they be if they saw a homeless penis?' I thought. Not very much apparently.
Diary of a Purple-Haired Woman
What possessed me to dye my hair purple, I cannot say. It all started with DIY hair bleach and three bottles of Gentian Violet. And it got worse from there.
Jesus and the Vaginal Waterfall
I thought it could only happen in pornos, but in the darkness of the parking lot I witnessed my first female ejaculation.
Having Sex With My Girlfriend on Her Period
Even though my ex was constantly in the mood for sex, I willfully abstained through her first four periods. Then we hit the bloody sheets.
Legends of the Hidden Temple Ruined My Life
When I returned home from the game show, I was ostracized by my peers - mocked, ridiculed, beaten. All because I failed to defeat Kirk Fogg.
God’s First Try
A long time ago, God realized he could put stuff on Earth. So he decided that the dinosaurs would have to worship him. How? By hatching his dinosaur son.
The Steak Incident
I believe it was the winter of 1984; my father and I were out having dinner to celebrate my birthday. Unfortunately, he insisted on having steak at the restaurant.
Tequila Ambassador Ruins Another Sofa
For at least 5 minutes, my brain had been engaged in internal discourse with my bladder on the appropriate location to take a leak while dancing in the club. This would not be the first challenge of the night.