To Be President of Amtrak, I Must Start as the Restroom Cleaner
At corporate events I will talk about my roots: "50 years ago, I was hired by this fine company to clean the restrooms on the Merced to Oakland route..." and so on.
Tag: Stories
How to Drive Like a Total Badass
When you think of a 1994 Dodge Neon, the first word that comes to mind is probably "raw power," right? Well that's exactly how this guy drove his: raw and powerfully.
I Should Probably Go Ahead and Buy Two Tickets For This Show
And the virtual gates are open! No way I am missing out on these tickets. Even if they sell out in minutes, I think I have my preparation down to a matter of seconds.
“Do You Have Condoms?”
Did I hear her correctly? There's no way she just asked me if I have condoms on a first Tinder date, right? Could it possibly be going this well?
How to Be an Adult in Tight Jeans
My Gap skinny jeans might make me look young, but my rapidly aging prostate constantly reminds me that I’m not.
I Found Love at Darren G.’s Radioactive Wasteland, Southern New Jersey’s #4 Haunted Attraction
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
This is It, I’m Actually Going into My Crawl Space
My kids look at me and feel empathy for my plight but relief that the task is not theirs. I'm going all the way into the residential abyss.
I’ll Never Forget You or Your Wild Accusations, But I’m Still Moving Out
What juvenile fun we had competing for the same man's attention while he was my boyfriend. A game of cat and mouse indeed, as you called it.
The Dark Side of Christian Mingle
Saundra was a hot mess of whirlwind crazy. If this was God's match for me, I shuddered to think who Satan would have picked out.
How the Vikings Squandered America
Thor, Thorvald, Thorrson, Thorfinn and crew had the New World in their grasp, save for one crucial mistake.
The Real Reason Trump Won Was Because Betsy Miller Turned Me Down in the Sixth Grade, and Don’t Let Anybody Tell You Otherwise
I've cracked the case wide open. It all traces back to the 1998 Tropical Para-Dance at Windy Meadow Middle School.
So Your Professor Dreams All Came Crashing Down in One Ugly Q&A
Bruce stood on the stage of the auditorium drenched in sweat, silently waving with his fake ass smile plastered on while the crowd sat in silence horrified.