How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bird
I've come here to talk about a small bird that flew into my car. He seemed nice at first, and I even thought he was kind of handsome, but then all hell broke loose.
Tag: Stories
I Ran So Fast to My Parking Meter That I Ripped Open a Wormhole in Time
If we don't get enough quarters into the Meter Colossus before sundown, we're all gonna get handed life's final parking ticket: death. Now, do you want to pay the fine?
The Last-Minute Condom Crisis
Should I run down to the corner store, endure the judgmental gaze of Marlene the cock-eyed clerk who works the night shift, to buy a box of condoms? Or just wing it?
Dear Jonathan, I Actually Hate Museums
These last three weeks have been so great and special, but I think it’s going to be too much for me to carry on pretending I like museums.
My Personal Beef with Cole Hamels
After about half an hour on hold, the host of the radio show finally came through and asked me: "What's your beef with Philadelphia sports?" Cole Hamels of course.
My Erect Freshman Year
My erect penis and I walked to my dorm and mounted the steps of some side entrance. A gaped-mouth sophomore's pupils grew wide at the site of my dong. I had arrived.
My First Assholes Anonymous Meeting
Welcome, everyone, to the North Jersey Chapter of Assholes Anonymous. Before we begin, please take this opportunity to make sure your cellphones are ON.
What’s That Noise Outside? I Should Have Bought a Gun
I should have been a gun guy, or even a gunsmith. I could have made hundreds of them and stored them all over my house. Why did I become an accountant?
Pooping While on Acid
It's taken me a lot to get to this point: taking a poop on acid. For those of you who never intend to drop acid, this is what it means to poop while tripping: everything.
The Most Exciting Relationship I’ve Ever Had
She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.
The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog
Employing a more acceptable word like "neuter" would not alter the graphic significance of such a canine procedure, at least to any human male.
How Christmas Provoked My Dad’s First F Word in Front of Us
My dad cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." All because he didn't know how to use a handsaw.