Swimming

Tag: Swimming

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m more excited for: a new Transformers movie or this brand new swimming pool I’m having put in my backyard.

I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer some reasons why I’m departing.

Last I checked, relaxing in swamps was not against the HOA bylaws.

Dad may not get a little sun. Dad may not “air dry.” Dad may not play his belly like a bongo.

They must be swimming in one of the Great Lakes. This guide does NOT apply to the lesser Finger Lakes.

Oh, and I totally would've signaled for help earlier, but that idiot kid kept standing in my shot. Down in front, am I right?

I’ve never lied about being robbed at gunpoint to avoid admitting to pissing in some bushes outside of a western Rio de Janeiro gas station.

You think I didn’t see your ass (which was nude) swimming in Camp Crystal Lake? You know I drowned in there? That’s just disrespectful.

The lifeguards have radar guns now and if we clock you at more than three miles per hour, YOU’RE GONE.

No amount of social distancing would save you and your family from the terrifying bacterial grasps of our public pool.

The above ground pool with leaves in it is a well-known suburban standard in which a sad kid’s eyes can get wistfully lost.

I am a swim coach for kids. That’s right, I spend my shifts in a cesspool of germs and boogers.