How to Use the Internet, For Boomers
The internet is one big lie. If you think someone’s telling the truth online, then you’re lying to yourself.
Tag: Tech
Alexa No Longer Takes Shit from Your Kids
With this automatic firmware update, Alexa is now no one’s clown. Alexa will not tolerate any more bullshit from anyone.
Dear Wikipedia Readers, We’ll Get Right to It: We Need Your Money
That should say “eight million." I guess you could pay somebody to fix it or—wait, we do that for free, all for the cost of a cup of coffee, don’t we?
I Explain Social Media to the Ghost of My Great-Grandfather
"That resembles nothing of a telephone, and I should know, I once lost a beloved terrier to Alexander Graham Bell in an ill-advised wager."
To: The Lord RE: Your Mysterious Ways
Upper management has been attempting to quell frustration by saying, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Well, I for one think that You should not.
Voice Memo from Tech Billionaire to Their Personal Assistant
My brother's birthday is on the 23rd. Find me an artisanal root vegetable farmer that delivers overnight to Thailand.
Our New Corporate Cybersecurity Rollout Protects Your Computer by Rendering It Completely Inaccessible to You
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
I Will Not Apologize for Wearing My Sleep Apnea Mask to Our Third Date
Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it---I did lasso the waiter with it.
We’re Going Green! My Neil Young Tribute Band Is No Longer Using Gasoline-Powered Instruments
At our first show without the droning hum of our generator, it was scary to launch into our opener, a cover of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.”
Rent the Newest Mobile Rideshare Option: A Stack of Tires and a Pole!
Here's how it works: use the app to locate the nearest stack of tires and a pole that I've dropped off all across the city. Then assemble!
Why Aren’t Tech Companies Taking More of My Data?
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"