An Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis
I've had it. The picture of me in your "cool" MeUndies boxer briefs that you just sent to eleven different women really pushed me over the edge.
Tag: Tech
Pursue an Accelerated Ninja/Rock Star Dual Degree at Franklin Morse College
Our select, highly motivated students enjoy small class sizes, and hands-on instruction from fearsome masked assassins and famous rock bands.
How Not to Use Tinder If You’re Living in a Martian Colony
Mark, I want you. I want to be stranded here with you. Damn the rest of humanity! We can start over. We can rebuild, Mark!
There’s an Uncooked Burrito in the Microwave, Now What?
How long has this burrito thing been languishing in the microwave? How did it get there in the first place? And most importantly, can I eat it?
Wanted: Young, Female Assistant for Totally Normal Stuff
While there are many Craigslist jobs out there, this one is unique because it pays well and guarantees you will not be bludgeoned to death during a pagan sacrifice.
The First Self-Driving Car for Women: An Operating Manual
Go ahead and smile, because that's how you operate the remote keyless entry. No one wants to see resting bitch face. There it is. There's our pretty lady. Step inside.
We Made Cat Tinder Because There Were No Better Options
Why spend the night with a random internet hookup who describes you as a "sex kitten" when you can hold a real kitten?
Things Said to Be Said by Scientists Not Representative of Things Scientists Say, Say Scientists
In a recent study performed by scientists, 96% of scientists said that the things scientists are said to have said do not represent the full spectrum of things scientists say.
This Fearless Cover Letter Almost Got Me Hired By Bill Gates
You know what I see when I look at you, Bill Gates? I see a guy who didn't need Networking Parties to build his empire. I see a guy who looks like me, except a bit toadish.
The iPhone 43 is Finally Here
Tim Cook's voice sounded almost dreamlike as it reverberated off the pillars and buttresses of the repurposed superchurch that served as Apple's Announcement Pod.
Young Wizarding School Orientation Speech
Rest assured, students do not learn teleportation until their fourth year. We had some minor issues with spontaneous combustion in the past, which is why we pushed it back.
Quiz: Have You Met the Girl of Your Dreams on Tinder, or HPV’s Patient Zero?
Mere moments after meeting her, she begins choking violently. A quick Heimlich produces an unsettling amount of used condoms. YES / NO