Have any of you guys ever taken a woman out to dinner, sat down with her at a table, ordered your drinks, and heard her say, “I don’t think I’m hungry”? Well, I have. And my resulting thought process was something like this: <em>What?
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/plague-785351.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/plague-781552.jpg" border="0" /></a>When the sun shines bright<br />Early on a Saturday night<br />And the barbecue’s through<br />And the buzz is all right,<br />That’s when I come to you,
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/chirspenn-710507.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/chirspenn-707134.jpg" border="0" /></a>Me: I’m having a hard time coming up with snippets this week.<br />Amy: Well, I mean, you haven’t left the house for five days.<br />Me: It really is a nice TV.<br /><br />Ryan: So, you seeing a new girl now?<br />Me: Yeah. How’d you know?<br />Ryan: I think the whole neighborhood knows. She… she ain’t quiet.<br />Me: She’s a nice girl, though.<br />Ryan: Sounds like it.<br /><br />Jen: Where you been? You haven’t been around much.<br />Me: I’m seeing someone.<br />Jen: What? Every night?<br />Me: Seems like it.<br />Jen: I can’t believe you found a girl that could put up with you that often?<br />Me: Seriously, it’s a wonder why I don’t come here more.<br /><br />Ryan: You ain’t nutted on any of these couches, did you?<br />Me: Not to my knowledge.<br />Ryan: But you had sex on them, right?<br />Me: Yeah.<br />Ryan: So where should I sit?<br />Me: Ryan, I don’t think you can find a surface in this place I haven’t had sex on. You want a beer?<br />Ryan: You didn’t do nothing freaky with that bottle, did you?<br />Me: Would you mellow out?<br /><br />Me: Sean Penn’s brother died, I heard.<br />Brian: Yeah, I’m all broken up.<br />Me: Heartless bastard.<br /><br />Me: When did you become frigid?<br />Amy: Around the time I started bleeding vaginally.<br /><br />Amy: The best thing about the snippets is that you feel like you’re sitting somewhere and overhearing a bit of a conversation that’s totally funny on its own. That’s why they’re your best writing.<br />Me: Thanks. But it’s not so much writing as it is just remembering.<br />Amy: Okay then, it’s pretty good remembering.<br />Me: What are you trying to say?<br />Amy: Well, you do get a lot of them wrong…
A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to write a few columns about <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/columns/nathan/8-10-05.htm">strip clubs</a>—by far and away, my favorite subject—for Court Sullivan and Company. One of the comments left for me was from a woman named Bunni who claimed to be an exotic dancer. Later, after exchanging a few emails, Bunni informed me that, in addition to being a stripper, she is also a published author, teacher, and graduate student.<br /><br />Well, I think you know what I thought. I thought, “Bullshit.”<br /><br />You see, I’ve known many strippers in my life, and only one of them was even slightly like Bunni. Strippers, for the most part, well, they have problems. I’ll spare you the details, but trust me when I type that strippers are usually not teachers, usually not working on masters degrees, and usually not publishing academic books. Bunni, on the other limb, well, she’s different.<br /><br />So, because I think that many of my readers would love to know a little bit more about what makes Bunni tick, and because she was polite enough to submit her picture, I have decided to interview her here on The Nate Way. I have questions and she, hopefully, has answers.<br /><br />Here we go.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What do you love the most about living in New York?</strong><br />BUN: Probably the people. They're mostly all rude assholes who are more than likely drunk/stoned 90% of the time and they'd rather run you over while you're changing a tire than help you out (to the guy in the Hummer last week: if you're reading this, fuck you. And you know owning a Hummer in Manhattan means you're over compensating for something, right?), but, all in all, it's a great city for people-watching and random conversations with bums.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What did you hate the most about the man who provided you with the best sex of your life?<br /></strong>BUN: The best sex of my life was not with a man, but if I had to go with the best man, then I hated the fact that he had a special ring for his mother; and if she'd call while we were mid-coitus, he'd stop to pick up the phone. But it was really good sex so I didn't want to leave him too quickly.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bunni-780029.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bunni-776857.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong>NDG: What’s your least favorite moment as an exotic dancer?</strong><br />There are two. First: when my father found out that I was dancing. And second: the time a guy blew his load while I was giving him a lap dance. I swear I was in the shower for three hours trying to feel clean again.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What was your favorite moment as an exotic dancer?</strong><br />BUN: Every time there's a bachelor party in the club. They're always fun and they tip big.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: I understand you to be religious. How has your religion affected the way you see this current generation of malcontents?</strong><br />BUN: Holy fuck, that’s a hard one. Why didn't you tell me I was going to have to think tonight? A lot of the problem is that people are quick to give up their faith and belief in God. And those who are fanatical about their religions twist the teachings to use religion as a reason to hurt people who they believe harm them. There are two extreme points of view, and they clash too much to get along. So I'd say mostly I feel sorry for all of them because they're missing something that is so good, no matter what religion they are.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: When are you coming to Tampa, Florida?</strong><br />BUN: Anytime you want me to, Sweets. Just say the word.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: And finally, if I let you write the ending of this piece, what would you write?</strong><br />BUN: I have no idea. I'll just give you my favorite expression. When life gives you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/athena-757399.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/athena-754628.jpg" border="0" /></a>There’s this girl I’m currently dating (I don’t want to call her my girlfriend, but it really doesn’t matter what I call her because she keeps a toothbrush and contact solution at my place so I’m screwed regardless). Anyway, it has been a long time since a girl meant anything more to me than a few nights of sex. So, I’m really enjoying this chick. And because there’s nothing more romantic than lists, here are the top ten reasons why.<br /><br />10. She calls my post-coital ramblings, “Bed Time Stories.”<br /><br />9. She’s disappointed if we don’t have sex three times a day.<br /><br />8. If horny enough, she will force herself on me and ride me roughly while I try to watch my new television.<br /><br />7. She has no problem with my drinking. In fact, she claims that when my buzz kicks in, I gain a sexy look that drives her wild.<br /><br />6. We have intelligent conversations that hardly ever border on the irrational or the emotional.<br /><br />5. She can beg for sex with her eyes.<br /><br />4. She’s great in bed.<br /><br />3. She finds my indifference to the world to be refreshing.<br /><br />2. She told me that if my hair ever turns brown (I am blond) then she will dye it back to blond while I sleep.<br /><br />1. On more than five occasions, she has come by my house with a twelve pack of Heineken and no underwear.<br /><br />So there you go. I know many of my readers may be uncomfortable with the idea of me having a girlfriend. So, I want you to know that I will not be pulling punches, writing sappy love columns or changing in any way. That’s another great thing about her. She likes me just the way I am. As she said to me the other night: “You’re an insensitive asshole, but you’re like, the good kind.”<br /><br />I have no idea what that means.<br /><br />But I liked it.
I should really be outside now. It’s, eighty degrees, beautiful and sunny and I’m in here tapping away at my keyboard like a kid with no life.<br /><br />On football Sundays, I don’t shower until right before game time. In this way, I end up actually tricking myself into believing that watching football is actively doing something. I mean, after all, I showered for this, right?<br /><br />I just got a big screen TV and TIVO. I’m like a teenager with a new drug (or a kid with a new toy, take your pick). I mean seriously, this is awesome.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/osama-750375.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/osama-747555.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Would it kill Osama Bin Laden to throw at least one joke into his recorded messages? I mean, really? One measly joke? How about something like, “I will destroy America like Terrell Owens destroyed the Eagles” or “Seriously, you call that a president? My turban has more intelligence”? Are extremists not allowed to have senses of humor? Is it in the bylaws?<br /><br />Right now, I don’t think there’s one person in America thinking, “Wow, being a miner would be a great career decision.”<br /><br />Ron Jaworski needs to grow a beard. His face would look like a fuzzy peach escaping a jowly neck. And I don’t think too much stuff could look funnier than that.<br /><br />Here’s a little known fact about me: I can only snap with my left hand. And I’m right handed. Weird, huh?<br /><br />I’m only gonna say this once. Manhattan, quit fucking around with the transit employees. This is not a joke. It’s winter. Give them what they want and the entire city won’t be shut down. I mean, seriously… FEMA could have handled this better.<br /><br />I don’t think anyone will ever convince me that Mischa Barton has a nice body. But then again, I like women with breasts.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/mischa-798382.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/mischa-793076.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />I really feel for the women of America. According to a friend of mine, there’s a shortage of men with spines. Let me just say, on behalf of the few bacon-chomping, football-watching, uncaring, unfeeling, insensitive assholes who still pay on dates, refuse to grow up and are just generally aloof, I’m sorry for what has happened to my gender. Oh, and also, I never thought that being a typical male would ever make me atypical. I guess everything does come full circle. Hakuna Matata and all that.<br /><br />If you get the chance, make love in the morning under an open window while children and their parents gather at a bus stop less than forty feet from you. Just trust me on this one. It’s fun.<br /><br />Does anyone really like Stephen A. Smith? I haven’t met one person, black, white or indifferent, that likes his show. And yet I hear it’s a hit. Go figure.<br /><br />Three things that people ask me way too much: 1) You didn’t just have sex all over these couches, did you? 2) Are you gonna eat that? and 3) Why don’t you shut the hell up? I’m tired of all this judging. You people need to look in the mirror, first. And yes, I am gonna eat that. So stop looking at my plate.<br /><br />I just finished watching a DVD of Busch Stadium’s most memorable moments. And I felt a tear welling up in my eye while near the end of the program. When I told this to my friend Amy, she responded, “So, do all your emotions revolve around baseball?” in a less than enamored tone. Women. (And what more can you say?)<br /><br />Here’s a little known fact about me: I have never lost a thumb war. Ever.<br /><br />And finally, because this is one of those entries where I avoid logic and fluidity like I avoid light beer, I leave you with the following, which was said to me Sunday morning:<br /><br />“So let me get this straight. In your family, you’re the artistic, flaky one? Wow.”
PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello has joined me in picking them games during the post season.
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bbaaat-751146.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bbaaat-745591.jpg" border="0" /></a>Jessica: So like, I’m taking this swimming class at school, and I just found out that the water is like, really chlorinated and that’s really bad for your hair. So, yeah, I think I’m just gonna drop it.<br />Amy: Or you could buy a swim cap.<br />Jessica: Does that really work?<br />Amy: Stranger things have happened.<br /><br />Chase: So, is that your girlfriend?<br />Me: Well, uh, it’s like, I guess that’s the girl I’m—<br />Chase: Yeah, my bad, dude. I hate labeling stuff, too.<br /><br />Horton: So how’d you do?<br />Me: Lost a hundred bucks.<br />Horton: Wow. How much you down for the year?<br />Me: I’m up about two seventy. I had a good week seventeen.<br />Horton: I’m down eight grand from last year.<br />Me: Jesus man, that’s a fucking car. Does Sheila know?<br />Horton: No. She thinks I make about ten grand less a year than I do. It’s what keeps her working and not thinking about kids.<br />Me: I don’t know how you can be dumb enough to lose eight grand and smart enough to think like that.<br />Horton: Call it the luck of the Irish.<br />Me: You ain’t Irish.<br />Horton: I ain’t lucky, either.<br /><br />Adam: Dude, she’s a good girl for you. She’s articulate.<br />Me: Yeah, like that matters.<br />Adam: It does to you.<br />Me: What are you, my shrink?<br />Adam: Man, I hope not.<br /><br />Mike: Where’d you get that CD?<br />Me: A girl mailed it to me from San Francisco.<br />Mike: Like, a random girl.<br />Me: She likes my writing. I like hers. We talked a little. She sent me a book once, too. She’s a great girl.<br />Mike: How the hell would you know? She’s all cyber and postage.<br />Me: I’m gonna let that sentence hang there for a minute.<br /><br />Chase: You two are good together. Not many people can keep you on your toes.<br />Me: What are you saying?<br />Chase: I don’t know. You just like, you bore easily. And you like confrontation. And she’s not afraid to call you on your shit, and she keeps things interesting.<br />Me: When the fuck, exactly, did life turn into an Oprah episode?<br />Chase: Around the time guys started frosting their hair, I guess.<br /><br />Me: Hey man, if she’s anything like she appears through cyber and postage, then she’s a hell of a person.<br />Mike: And if you were anything like you appeared at work, you’d be a hell of a person.<br />Me: Why you such a dick?<br />Mike: Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em, brother.<br />Me: Yeah, well who asked you?<br />Mike: That’s the beauty of me. I just offer these things. Seriously, you don’t have to ask. I go the extra mile.<br />Me: Yeah, to be a dick.<br /><br />Amy: So, Jessica keeps calling you my boyfriend.<br />Me: Yeah, you’ll start doing it soon enough, I’m sure.<br />Amy: No. Not unless you want me to.<br />Me: Don’t look at me like that.<br /><br />Chase: You gotta be a pretty brutal motherfucker to kill some random homeless guy with a baseball bat.<br />Me: Yeah, you won’t get many arguments against that one.<br />Chase: You know why? ‘Cause it’s true. Some things are just true.<br />Me: True.<br />Chase: See. There goes another one.
This morning, while talking on the phone at work, I heard myself say this sentence: “I endorse it wholeheartedly.” Now, I was talking about a technical aspect of a sub-account that I often work with (stop yawning). But later, well, I realized that there just aren’t that many things that I do endorse wholeheartedly. So, because I love lists like fat women love not working, I’m busting out the top five products that, if anyone were willing to pay me, I would endorse wholeheartedly. To quote the kid who was behind me in line at the Chic-Fil-A this morning, “Quit with the foreplay and order ya’ damn food already.”<br /><br />Kids, they grow up so fast…<br /><br />Anyway, on to my top five products and how I would endorse them, if given the chance. In an effort to keep this as realistic as possible, I will take actual examples from my life so I may show you, the consumer, all the advantages to these awesome products.<br /><br /><strong>Tag After Hours Body Spray<br /></strong>I’m lying in bed, covered in sweat. A beautiful woman is draped across my body like a flesh cape. She sticks her nose into my ribs, just below my armpit, and inhales deeply.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-783064.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-778030.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />“Wow,” she says. “You smell so good.”<br /><br />“I’m sweaty as hell,” I say.<br /><br />“You still smell awesome,” she says.<br /><br />The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “If Tag After Hours Body Spray can make a sweaty alcoholic smell good after sex, imagine what it could do for you. Tag. Because you don’t smell that good.”<br /><br /><strong>The George Foreman Grill</strong><br />I walk out of my kitchen with grilled vegetables and two pork filets on a ceramic plate. I sit down in my living room and begin eating. The football game blares in the background. My guest, a gentleman named Ryan, watches me eating and asks, “Man, did you just make that?”<br /><br />“Yeah,” I say while shoveling my face full of food.<br /><br />“That took you like three minutes.”<br /><br />“Gotta love the Foreman.”<br /><br />The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “The George Foreman Grill. Because, in this day and age, cooking a delicious meal should not take any time whatsoever. You gotta love The Foreman!”<br /><br /><strong>Cottonelle Toilet Paper</strong><br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cottonelle-732718.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cottonelle-730564.jpg" border="0" /></a>Two guys, Steve and me, are walking in the paper aisle of a grocery mart. Steve grabs an 8-roll pack of Cottonelle.<br /><br />“You really like that toilet paper?” I ask.<br /><br />“Oh yeah,” says Steve. “No matter how much Mexican food and Budweiser I suck down in a night, this stuff still feels good in my asshole.”<br /><br />The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “Cottonelle! Soothing, even when you have raging ass-cramps and liquid diarrhea! Cottonelle. Accept no substitutes.”<br /><br /><strong>Pointsincase.com</strong><br />I return from a night out, grab a beer from my fridge, turn on my computer, click my mouse a few times, and end up reading my comment box from “A To-Do List for the Women of America.” I laugh heartily. Until I start crying.<br /><br />The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “Points in case dot com. We’re trying. Really. We mean it.”<br /><br /><strong>Angus Beef</strong> <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porterhouse-795340.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porterhouse-791409.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />A porterhouse steak cooks on an open flame. I flip it while drinking a beer. In the background, a 311 song plays. A portable television flickers a football game. It’s a beautiful day. The birds are chirping, bikini clad women are playing in the pool and two guys are tossing horseshoes at the far end of the lawn.<br /><br />The voiceover guy comes on and says, “Beef. Do we really have to advertise this stuff?”
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-729372.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-727792.jpg" border="0" /></a>Gentlemen, if you ever get your own raunchy internet column, do not tell a soul about it. Or else you’ll be lying in bed, covered in sweat, with the sweet feel of a woman caressing you like a flesh blanket when you hear the words, “So, I’m a little bothered by some of the things you write…”<br /><br />I’m only gonna type this once: guys, buy Tag After Hours Body Spray. I’ve been smelled, sniffed and inhaled so much in the last week, I think I know what a dog’s ass feels like. This is not a joke, guys. I’m here to help.<br /><br />The best time to start dating a woman is during the football playoffs. If she still wants to hang out with you after you brushed her off four out of the last five weekends, well you know you’ve found a patient and understanding chick.<br /><br />I used to think that nothing was more awkward than meeting the ex-boyfriend of a girl I’m dating, until I met the guy who put together her bed and he asked me, “So does, it squeak? It may need oil and a couple of those screws may need to be hand tightened.” That is pretty fucking awkward. I mean, if the guy did a good job on the bed (as is the case here), then all you can really do is thank him, which sounds like, “No. It’s fine. You did a great job. Nice and tight.” I mean, what the hell, right?<br /><br />Many people will tell you that taking a date to a wedding is wrong. And maybe that’s true if they’re talking about taking your girlfriend on a date to a wedding. But there is no better first date to take a woman to than a wedding (especially if she doesn’t know anyone there), for several reasons. Here they are:<br /><br />1. It’s an excuse for her to dress up.<br />2. It’s an excuse for her to think about sex.<br />3. People who haven’t seen you in a while are always so happy to see you at a wedding that the chick can’t help but think, “Damn, he must be a great guy. Look how pleased everyone is to talk to him.”<br />4. Weddings are either cheap or free. You can’t go wrong.<br />5. Open bar.<br /><br />There is nothing worse than a man who gets whipped. Now, everyone knows the obvious signs of whipped guy (he won’t go anywhere without her, he calls her before he makes plans, he answers the phone and talks to her during the middle of a live sporting event, he asks her what he’s doing the night you call and ask him, etc, etc, so on and then some), but the fact is, there are leading indicators that will tell you if a guy will become whipped. Here they are.<br /><br />1. He invites you over to watch the game. With her.<br />2. He asks you why you don’t settle down and find a nice girl.<br />3. He goes shopping with her.<br />4. He takes her to and/or picks her up from the airport.<br />5. He casually mentions a new phone, haircut, article of clothing and/or piece of furniture all in the same twenty minutes.<br />6. He says the words, “No more beer, thanks. I’m meeting the girlfriend in an hour.”<br /><br />Keep a look out for these signs, gentleman. And do what you must.<br /><br />And finally, because this is one of those entries where I avoid logic and fluidity like I avoid the florist, I leave you with the following, which my friend Amy said to me:<br /><br />“It really pisses me off that I want to learn how to cook for you.”
When all your stories are told,<br />And all your dreams are over or dead,<br />It matters only what was done,<br />And not what was said.
<em>PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello has joined me in picking them games during the post season. The following is Part Two of our </em><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/2006/01/picking-them-wild-card-games.html"><em>email exchange</em></a><em> (click on that link for Part One).</em><br /><br /><strong>From Nathan DeGraaf<br /></strong><br />Hey Justin, how’s life treating you? Congratulations on going a perfect 4-0 to start the season. As you know, I batted .500 and broke even on my bets, three out of four road teams won, and the guy who approved Carson Palmer’s nine year contract is sweating like R Kelly at a junior high cheerleading camp. What a week. Three lousy blowouts, and the one decent game (Bucs/’Skins) cost the home team the post season. At one point during this mediocre football extravaganza (about the time Madden decided it was time to crack jokes during the Pats/Jags blowout), I actually yielded the remote to the women in the room. That’s symbolism right there. I just gave up.<br /><br />Anyway Justin, I’m not gonna mention your USC comment because I know how it feels. I gave up four months of gambling because of a call I made about the Houston Texans. They won two games all year, and I lost on one of them. Man that hurt. That’s why I’m not bringing up how you practically guaranteed a USC win. I’m a classy guy (and I had to have something to rib you about after last week’s success).<br /><br />Anyway, to answer your questions.<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> Man, I mean, to quote Chandler Bing, “Could that question BE any tougher?” There’s so many to choose from. This is like picking the ugliest playmate of the year, only not nearly as visually satisfying. I started by narrowing the field down to Mike Tice, Mike Martz, Herm Edwards, Jim Haslett, Norv Turner and Dom Capers, and then began eliminating them based on actual stats (I don’t usually do research on the grounds that no one’s paying me for this. So there you go, readers. It’s the playoffs, so we’re pulling out all the clichés, er stops. We’re pulling out all the stops). Martz and Haslett were eliminated from contention first. Martz because he has a really high career win percentage and Haslett because, despite his inept play calling, his inability to get the most from his players and his soft demeanor, he almost has a .500 career record while working for an actual ghoul. I then eliminated Tice if only because he sometimes had a pencil behind his ear (which made him look like my old high school shop teacher) and he didn’t get paid much. Plus, he had no real coaching experience before he started, anyway. So though he really did suck, you could make the argument that he exceeded expectations. So, then I was left with Turner (a career choke artist), Edwards (who may not actual know that clock management is part of coaching an NFL team) and Capers (who for all I know, could be a robot). This was where it got really tough. I couldn’t decide at all. Part of me wanted to skewer Turner and Edwards for wasting talent and give Capers credit for working with the shit team he had. Then I remembered that Capers hasn’t won a post season game and the other two coaches had. Finally, I called up my buddy Tim (who knows his football) and said, “If you had a football team, and you had to choose between Capers, Edwards or Turner as head coaches, who would you choose?”<br /><br />To which he replied, “whoever the offensive coordinator is” and hung up.<br /><br />So, I was back at square one until I realized, you know what, this ain’t brain surgery. I’m calling it a three way tie between the choke artist, the corpse, and the guy who can’t tell time. So that’s my answer. Norv Herman Dom Turner Edwards Capers is the worst coach in football.<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> Dude, I live in Florida. As a rule, I don’t make fun of hurricane victims. That’s wrong down here. I mean, “you’ll get your ass kicked for that remark” kind of wrong. And my answer is a strong yes. I know that ownership sucks, that the city is rebuilding and may never regain it’s previous grimy glory, but man, that was one of the coolest towns in the world. So, for sentimental reasons alone, I would go to New Orleans. Now, would I even try to win? Probably not. But everyone in the Quarter would know me on sight and I’d be surrounded by awesome music, great food, and chicks exposing their breasts. I mean, why would you stay away?<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> No. I will not watch a show about guys playing video games. You’re the fourth person to suggest this to me, and all of you guys are video game fanatics. When someone finally says to me, “I really like Madden Nation, and I don’t even play video games” then, maybe I will watch it. Until then, I’m sure I’ll have better things to do.<br /><br />Time for my picks.<br /><br /><strong>Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE<br /></strong>I learned something last week. Joe Gibbs is a genius when it comes to testing the fundamental limits of his team. Sure, it cost me fifty bucks to learn it, but I learned it. I do not expect the ‘Skins to pull this out, but I also do not expect them to lose by 9. This is a scrappy, motivated, challenged team. Coincidently, I wouldn’t bet a cheeseburger on this game. Not even a crappy one.<br /><br /><strong>COLTS (-9.5) over Steelers</strong><br />This was the toughest pick for me. Here’s why I went with the Colts to cover. Manning has lost his mind. He’s no longer the choke artist he used to be. He’s a totally different choke artist. As long as he can air out the ball, as long as his defense can stop the Steeler’s running game, and as long as he can show the emotion he’s been showing all season, he will inspire that Colts team to win. Naturally Justin, much as you are, I’m looking forward to watching Manning self-implode. I just don’t think it’ll happen until the Super Bowl, when the Bears will beat the ever loving crap out of him.<br /><br /><strong>Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS<br /></strong>I’m not picking against the champs for the rest of the playoffs and here’s why. Brady hasn’t lost a playoff game. Read that sentence again. The guy is like 10 – 0 in the postseason. He’s the new Brett Favre; the new sure thing. Hell, he’s the friend who always helps you move and bails you out of jail (without being a jerk about it). He’s Mr. Reliable; I can’t pick against him. It’s just not right. However, due to New England’s recent problems in the thin air, I’m not putting money on this one. I mean, no one’s perfect, right?<br /><br /><strong>BEARS (-3) over Panthers<br /></strong>To quote the place kicker from Necessary Roughness, “Oh yeah, that’s my bitch.” (And yes, I just quoted the crappiest football movie ever and I’m not even remotely bothered by this. Furthermore, I’m not even remotely bothered by the fact that I’m not even remotely bothered by this. So there). I put $100 on this one the minute I saw that spread. The Panthers are a great team but there’re too many mitigating factors here. Factors like the Chicago fans (who will be insane), the weather (which will be frozen-snot cold, most likely), the fact that Jake Delhomme is on the road (always risky) and the fact that Lovie Smith looks like he could beat me in Chess, Scrabble and Billiards, whereas John Fox looks like he couldn’t even sell me a used car at half price. If the Panthers hadn’t played like tackle junkies in the last two games, this spread would be six.<br /><br />All right, I’m throwing the coach question back at you because that wasn’t easy, but I’m not asking you about Madden or New Orleans because I think I got enough hurricane humor from your overtly sensitive <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/columns/justin/8-31-05.htm">Katrina piece</a> (written before Fats Domino was even found, no less. You shameless bastard. Hey, where’d that soap box come from? My bad) and I’m pretty sure I know your answer to question three. But I do have two new questions for you.<br /><br />1. What was your least favorite announcing moment of Wild Card Week? Mine was at the end of the Pats/Jags blowout, when no one was really watching anymore so John Madden busted out his repertoire of crappy football stories and stale jokes.<br /><br />2. Time to take shots at the Madden family. Eli laid a goose egg against the Panthers. Why do these guys always choke? Is choking genetic? Is it the way they’re raised? I need a ruling on this.<br /><br />Good luck against the Broncos.<br /><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>From Justin Rebello</strong><br /><br />Let me put my Belichick hoodie on.<br /><br />"Four for four in the first weekend... it's good. Obviously we still have to do some work on special teams. We played good. Next week is a big challenge."<br /><br />Ok. Now that that's out of my system, it’s time to continue my kickass postseason. And let me say, this second round should be the Russell to my Wilt or the Ulf Samuelsson to my Cam Neely.<br /><br />First, to answer your questions:<br /><br />1. The worst coach in the NFL is Mike Martz. You can't convince me otherwise. He strikes me as the type of guy that plays Madden and throws Hail Marys on every down, and you're yelling at him: "Dude, they've completely revamped the defense. You can't play that way anymore!" You think him and Bush are in the same book club? Oh right, you're from Florida. Sorry to insult YOUR president.<br /><br />2. I didn't catch a chance to hear much of the announcing because I was at work and watched both Saturday games on mute. However, I can't imagine Madden topping anything said by the dream team of Mike Patrick-Paul Maguire-Joe Theisman. Listening to these three is like being in fourth grade again and dealing with the kids who barely know how to read trying to read aloud. You just put your head down and pray they can get through it, until the teacher mercifully has them stop after two sentences, during which they turned "rabbit" into a six syllable word.<br /><br />3. See, as a Red Sox fan, I'm compelled to avoid dubbing a series of misfortunes as a curse. I think a more apt comparison is to see how certain families are all fat. Other families are all nerdy. Other families are all black. The Manning family, then, are all losers. Every time I see them together, all I can think of is the O'Doyle family in <em>Billy Madison</em>. You know, "O'Doyle Rules!" They just say it over and over. Why? Why do you rule? The Mannings don't rule. Eli is just the latest example. Peyton's choke job this month will be another. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.<br /><br />Ok, the picks.<br /><br /><strong>Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE</strong><br />The Seahawks are rapidly turning into the Atlanta Braves. You see them and go, "Hey they won their division and they look pretty solid." Then the playoffs start and they have all the composure of Gary Glitter at church. Do you trust Matt Hasselbeck? Even for a second? And suppose you stack the line to stop Alexander (a Redskin specialty). Do the Seahawks even remotely resemble a Super Bowl team? Nope. BAM! Upset.<br /><br /><strong>CHICAGO (-3) over Carolina</strong><br />A couple of things. Let's play a game called "Suppose the Giants have a competent QB". Now, suppose the Giants had a competent QB last week. What happens? Personally, I think the Panthers still give them a little Boy from Happiness-style treatment. It was truly special to watch Carolina just take everything away from the Giants, Tiki, and Eli Eli Uh-Oh. With that said, Chicago looks to be the real deal.<br /><br /><strong>Pittsburgh (+9.5) over INDY</strong><br />Love this spread. I think Pitt has a chance to beat Indy or at least make it close. A couple of things have to happen first. A) Ben Roethlisberger has to stop playing playoff games looking like Scotty Smalls in his first day of spring training. B) Pittsburgh cannot afford to fall behind. If the Colts score a TD first, it's over. C) Just blitz the hell out of Peyton Manning. All day. Even if the Colts are ahead. You could mess with his psyche, make him do the whole "Hey rest of team, why are you letting me shit the bed like this?" routine, or even better, injure him, which might cause the entire faction of the football world that supports the Colts and doesn't know jack about the game to collectively shit themselves. Just thinking about it makes me smile.<br /><br /><strong>New England (+3) over DENVER</strong><br />Ugh. The toughest game ever. On the one hand, I picked Denver to win the AFC. On the other hand, the QB matchup is all New England. On another hand, Mile High has always given the Pats fits. On yet another hand, the coaching matchup is all New England. On a freakish other hand, Denver's D is real good. On a foot, the Pats D is pretty solid, too. I finally decided to play the Life Test on this game. If I had to bet my life on this game, who would I take? And the answer, simply, is New England. At some point, this miracle run by the Pats will end, but I'm sorry, I don't see Mike Shanahan and Jake Plummer as the ones to do it.<br /><br /><em>Post Season Records:<br /><br />Rebello: 4-0<br />DeGraaf: 2-2<br />Opp: 1-3</em>