Here are the ten things I've learned regarding Arizona's new anti-immigration law: <p>More white people are kidnapped from Arizona than are kidnapped from the rest of the world. Apparently, living in Arizona is like visiting Columbia. Except every day, and you know, in English. </p>
<p>"I've said time and time again that nothing good happens when oil is on the water." --Actual quote by actual Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen.</p><p>Here are ten things I've learned from the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill:</p>
<p>"Hell man, ain't nothing as awesome as you think it'll be. I once lived with two bisexual women. After six months or so a that, I came home one day from work and saw both of them bimbos going at it on my living room floor...
<p>You know what the worst thing is about breaking up with someone you've been with for a while? Well I do. It's explaining why you broke up to all the friends and family to whom you bothered to introduce the chick. By the time you get around to explaining it to the fifteenth friend/relative, you're so exhausted and tired of repeating phrases like "We tried to make it work" and &qu
<p>Evelyn Boyd, wife of a pastor and resident of Tampa Bay, died recently during a three week fast. How do I know this? Well, the boss left work early so I bought a newspaper just to remember what it was like reading articles I did not search for on a computer. And you know what? It's just as pleasant as I remembered it. </p>
<p>It's Friday; time to rip on one of the worst pieces of writing ever to make the mainstream. Katynka Z. Martínez is writing about something. I just don't know what. Her words are in bold. But that doesn't make them any less infuriating. </p>
<p>They call him Street Corner Kid, which is odd to me because he's got gray in his beard and those old man eyes that seem to tell you two things: I've seen it all and I wouldn't mind another beer. I pull a beer from my brown paper grocery bag and hand it to him; he takes it silently, cracks it open and takes a long hard pull, his Adam's apple bumping up and down like a buoy in rough seas. <
<p>Wiggy: Are you gonna finish eating that?<br />Me: That was my intention when I purchased it.<br />Wiggy: And now how do you feel about it?<br />Me: Pretty good. I think I'll meet my goal. <br />Wiggy: You can spare a couple fries, can't you?<br />Me: I can. <br />Wiggy: But you ain't offering me none?<br />Me: Don't look that shocked. I don't like you.
<p>Hello there. What's your name?</p> <p>Really, that is absolutely awesome. I wish my parents had named me after a character from Greek mythology. </p> <p>Of course I know a little of that stuff. I may not be the brightest but I like to think I have a rudimentary knowledge of the classics. Who's your favorite author?</p>
<p>When <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,586581,00.html" title="FOX News.com">that dude flew his plane into that IRS building</a> in Austin, Texas, my first thought was, "You know, if you want to create a terrorist movement that the American citizenry will get behind, you couldn't pick a better target than the IRS." My second thought had something to do with pork tenderloin
<p><font size="3"><strong>Thursday, February 18th (Day of the Bachelor Party)</strong></font></p> <p>Brian: Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?<br />Me: Really, no one says hello anymore. </p>
<p>Me: You know that website I write for?<br />Scotty: Yeah.<br />Me: I'm not allowed to post directly anymore.<br />Scotty: What's directly?<br />Me: Your mom. Your mom is directly. <br />Scotty: Dude you can't post up on my mom. Her skills will crush you. <br />Me: It's not a basketball thing. <br />Scotty: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. </p>