Tag: The Nate Way

Suspending the Snippets

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porter-748471.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porter-744459.jpg" border="0" /></a>Greg: Dude, that guy is really pissing me off.<br />Mike: He’s Nathan. That’s what he does. I’m surprised it took this long before he pissed off someone today.<br />Me: Yeah, that was almost six hours.<br />Mike: And you were drinking.<br />Me: Maybe I’m mellowing.<br />Mike: Yeah, you’re getting old. You just can’t piss people off like you could back in the day.<br />Me: By the time I’m forty, I’ll probably be a nice guy.<br />Mike: Yeah, I doubt it.<br /><br />Me: So, you fucking her now?<br />Tom: Dude, please, 'fucking' is not the correct nomenclature. It’s ‘dating.’ Have some class.<br />Me: Whatever, Walter.<br /><br />Me: I really upset some people with my latest column.<br />Steve: What was it about?<br />Me: It was a To Do list for the women of America. I basically said that they need to learn how to cook and quit bitching and think rationally.<br />Steve: And that upset some people? I’m shocked.<br /><br />Me: So Jennifer Porter hits four little black kids, kills two of them, leaves the scene of the accident and only gets two years of house arrest. You don’t think racism played a part in this, do you?<br />Brian: Of course it did.<br />Me: But Jennifer Porter was Cuban.<br />Brian: Yeah, but from a racist perspective that’s better than black. Everything except extremist Muslim is better than black.<br />Me: How do the racists determine this?<br />Brian: It’s a complex equation. I believe it takes into consideration the amount of Welfare dollars spent and average length of prison terms, and then factors in the employment rate.<br />Me: You so wrong.<br />Brian: It’s a prejudiced world. Don’t shoot the messenger.<br />Me: Whatever, man. Your Schwaztika’s showing.<br /><br />Ryan: Man, Terrell Owens is suspended for the season. I think the Eagles made the right move there.<br />Me: I don’t.<br />Tony: Uh oh, get comfortable. This one’s gonna take a while.<br /><br />Ryan: How can you be on T.O.’s side, Nate? He’s a shit talker.<br />Me: I’m not on T.O.’s side. I just think that the team should be above the media. Whatever any of those guys say to the press should be ignored completely. They have a job and it’s on the field. Everything else is crap.<br />Tony: They’re not running classified ops for the CIA, Nate. They’re in the public eye.<br />Me: Who the hell was talking to you?<br /><br />Tony: I’m just saying that part of their job is handling the media. It ain’t 1940 now. They got cameras everywhere.<br />Me: Was T.O. a good receiver this year?<br />Tony: He talked smack about his quarterback and his coach.<br />Me: Did he catch the freaking passes?<br />Tony: Yes, he caught the passes. But there’s more to it than that. It’s about respect.<br />Me: If he’s that bad a teammate then just stop blocking for him. Don’t pull this suspension crap.<br />Tony: So what you’re saying is, suspending him for being a blatant distraction is wrong, but letting the opposition kill him for it is okay.<br />Me: Exactly.<br />Ryan: Dude, I don’t know about you, Nate.<br /><br />Me: Here’s how I see it. If I have a job making widgets, and I make widgets better than anyone, and I bitch about how much I hate working with everyone else because I think they suck, the CEO wouldn’t fire the best widget maker; he wouldn’t even suspend me.<br />Ryan: Unless you sexually harassed his daughter.<br />Me: Well, yeah, but that’s not really a part of this scenario.<br />Ryan: Why not? Maybe the Eagles feel as if they’ve been sexually harassed. Maybe they’re hurt and wounded on the inside and all they want to do is curl up in a ball and die.<br />Me: Dude, I don’t know about you, Ryan.<br /><br />Carrie: What’s a widget?<br />Ryan: It’s a made up thing that they use in economics classes to represent a product.<br />Carrie: Oh, so you can’t really make them?<br />Ryan: No, you can only fake make them.<br /><br />Me: It’s supposed to be a game of men. If a guy wants to talk smack, that’s one thing. But let the team take care of it.<br />Ryan: That’s mob rule, dude. You can’t just let some dude talk smack about your team, especially if he’s on your team. There’s no I in team, man.<br />Me: There’s no I in cliché either.<br />Ryan: Wait a minute. Yes there is.

Jingle Bell Sun Block

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/santa-793175.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/santa-790229.jpg" border="0" /></a>I love the holiday season in Florida. There is nothing cooler on planet Earth than stepping outside on an eighty degree November Saturday morning and watching a Puerto Rican guy string lights over a palm tree, set out a Santa on his roof (only after dressing St. Nick up in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses) while I sip a screwdriver and tan. It’s like coming to work and finding a fresh Pina Colada sitting atop your inbox. Except the Florida Holiday Season actually happens.<br /><br />In Miami, they have a winter carnival, complete with a pig tossing event. I’d go in more detail, but hell, just google it. I can’t write about that any better than Dave Barry did.<br /><br />My buddy Big Mike throws an annual Thanksgiving party for those of us who don’t go back north for Thanksgiving break. We sit around a pool listening to football, sucking on beers while Mike and his flavor of the month take care of the kitchen details. Ah, Florida.<br /><br />I love going to Clearwater Beach in December and listening to some of the Reggae bands play Christmas carols. “The Little Drummer Boy” is awesome Rasta style. Trust me on that.<br /><br />I love it when the college kids clear out for break, and I can go up to a bar on a football Sunday and play cards with the bartender while bitching about the Buccaneers.<br /><br />But mainly I love how good it feels to come back home, after three or four days in St. Louis, and go straight from the airport to the beach, stick my toes in the sand, look up at the sun drenched sky and thank God that it will be another 12 months until I put on a winter jacket again.<br /><br />One winter, I told my buddy Anton that the Midwest was God’s country.<br /><br />“Yeah, and he can keep it,” replied Anton.<br /><br />And our laughter drowned out the sounds of his children playing in his pool on a seventy degree December day.<br /><br />Ho ho ho, indeed.

Behind the Scenes—The Internet is Weird

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/behindthe-723913.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/behindthe-719415.gif" border="0" /></a>The internet is weird. Since I started tapping my keys for PIC almost five months ago, I have received emails from high school friends who found me through the site, emails of a complimentary nature from both women and men, and emails of a negative nature (death threats, people who took me seriously and wanted to let me know how wrong my social perspective is, and computer viruses). Oh and pictures of breasts (thanks, by the way). I have even had a few phone conversations with some of these readers (one of them even stood in line for over two hours to get me an autographed copy of a book I really wanted, then mailed said book to me—and yes, I owe her my first born) and I must say that it absolutely delights me that people read me. (Side note: I can’t remember the last time I actually felt delighted. Stop and ask yourself how often you feel delighted. It’s not often. Anyway, back to the business at hand).<br /><br />Here are some highlights from some of the emails I have received.<br /><br />“Are there any other forms of sodomy that you enjoy enough to write about?”<br />—S Diddy<br /><br />“Just wanted to let you know that my boyfriend is a regular reader of your articles. He didn’t tell me that, I just know because he sometimes cuts and pastes some of your lines, (particularly things that women should know) and sends them to me. And later I found out that the lines are from your articles. Anyway, I love your articles too, been reading them regularly. I love your sarcastic tone. Cheers.”<br />Rena,<br />KL, Malaysia.<br />—Rena<br /><br />“If your trying to be a comedian or taking some kind of journalism; don't give up your day job at McDonalds.”<br />—Timothy<br /><br />“Hello Nathan DeGraaf, My 8 yr. old son and I were looking at football stuff tonight and I stumbled across you. I am the former Mrs. Nathan DeGraaf. Of course to a different Nathan DeGraaf. Not a very common name. I am surprised as %^$$&* that there is another one out there. Well, If you want to know anything else I will answer. So So So strange, that I just had to tell you about it.”<br />—Keriann<br /><br />“So I'm sitting here in Baghdad, Iraq, surfing the internet b/c my work is complete for the day, and I think, ‘I'd bet that if I google Nate DeGraaf, I'll find him on the first page, and it'll be something off the wall.’ ... and now I write.”<br />—Greg (former high school classmate)<br /><br />So there you go. There are lots of other ones too, but I’m not posting any of the death threats, breasts, or viruses. I just want to say, feel free to keep them coming people. Whether positive or negative, your emails de freaking light me.<br /><br />And that ain’t a common feeling.

Strippin’ the Snippets

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/lulusboobs-782914.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/lulusboobs-780769.jpg" border="0" /></a>Rich: The high today is 78. The low today is 55. It’s the fist day of November.<br />Steve: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why everyone k<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/lulusboobs-701919.jpg"></a>eeps moving here. This whole state could be a giant sinkhole that gets annually raped by hurricanes and they’d still keep coming in droves.<br />Rich: You could pave the whole state, raise taxes by ten percent and charge admission to every beach and they’d still keep coming.<br />Me: Well yeah, because it would still be better than Detroit in the winter.<br />Rich: Hell would be better than Detroit in the winter, dude.<br />Steve: Yeah, but not by much.<br /><br />Mark: Is that bartender drunk?<br />Me: No, that drunk is bartending.<br />Dave the Bartender: You’re drunk bartending.<br />Me: Huh?<br /><br />Lynn: You know, I’m not proud of the fact that I work as a dancer, but I am proud that I pass all my classes and stay off drugs. I mean, I haven’t taken out a loan or had a roommate my whole college career. That’s saying something, don’t you think?<br />Me: I’m sorry, what? I’ve been picturing you naked for the last few minutes.<br />Lynn: You know, you can see me nude every Wednesday, Friday and football Sunday if you like.<br />Me: Will you marry me?<br />Lynn: No.<br /><br />Me: So you’ve been a stripper for three years, and through all that time, you never got one disease, did one line of cocaine or failed one class?<br />Lynn: That’s right.<br />Me: No it isn’t. It’s wrong on so many levels.<br />Lynn: Why?<br />Me: I‘ve known a lot of strippers and most of them are walking clichés that personify stupidity, addictive personalities and shoddy upbringings.<br />Lynn: My dad’s an Air Force Colonel.<br />Me: Okay, now you’re just making shit up.<br /><br />Me: So why’d you break up with your boyfriend?<br />Lynn: In the past three months, he quit his job, flunked the only two classes he was taking and actually cried because I wouldn’t buy him a new amplifier for his guitar. But the final straw was today, when he told me that he wanted to move in with me so he could save money.<br />Me: He actually cried because you wouldn’t buy him something?<br />Lynn: Yeah. Imagine letting someone like that father your children.<br />Me: No.<br /><br />Dave: Where the hell is the football schedule?<br />Me: Just calm down, man. It’s on page 6.<br />Dave: You’re on page 6.<br />Me: What?<br /><br />Me: Hey, you remember meeting that chick that lives on the top floor of my building?<br />AJ: Oh yeah. The cute chick with the dorky boyfriend. Man, does she have a body.<br />Me: I just watched her breakup with her boyfriend.<br />AJ: Well, I hope you helped console her.<br />Me: Yeah, and in doing so, I found out that she’s a stripper.<br />AJ: How come shit like that never happens to me?<br /><br />AJ: So, did you end up sleeping with her?<br />Me: No, but I did get twenty free passes.<br />AJ: You have twenty free passes to a full nude strip club?<br />Me: They actually work at two clubs.<br />AJ: Okay, you realize nothing good can come of this.<br />Me: What the hell are you talking about?<br />AJ: You have twenty free passes to a strip club—I’m sorry—to two strip clubs. It would probably be quicker to just directly inject you with syphilis.<br />Me: Your faith in me is amazing.<br />AJ: As the man says, past performance is indicative of future results.<br /><br />Me: Dude, you just really pissed her off.<br />Dave: You just really pissed her off.<br />Me: No, you did.<br />Dave: That’s it, the owner has decided to stop giving you free beer.<br />Me: You just decided to stop giving me free beer.<br />Dave: No, you did.<br />Me: What?

Observations Like a Fridgeworthy Sketch

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bear-706026.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bear-703536.jpg" border="0" /></a>I just found out that the cute girl who lives three floors above me is a Junior at USF, is majoring in criminology, belongs to a sorority and works as a stripper three

I Like “Earl”

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/earl-733993.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/earl-730514.jpg" border="0" /></a>After seeing the pilot, I wrote a few weeks ago that my new favorite show is “My Name is Earl.” Here are the four main reasons why:<br /><br /><strong>Lowlifes being Lowlifes</strong><br />No TV show had ever accurately portrayed the nature of lowlifes before “Earl” (this is how I am going to refer to the show from now on so all the kids can see how hip hop I am or something). In other shows and movies, lowlifes are always criminal masterminds with tortured pasts, and while that may be true almost none of the time, most lowlifes are like Earl and his friends. They are lazy opportunists who, because they never cared about much, have no problem wasting their lives away until they need enough money to warrant pulling another stunt or running another job (in the criminal world, a stunt is a crime you do alone like selling drugs, and a job is a crime that involves more than one person and/or a con—all knowledge is learning). A true career criminal is a lazy ass, just like Earl.<br /><br /><strong>The Whole Karma Thing</strong><br />I actually learned this around the age of 18, when I gave up certain criminal activities, got into college and decided to live my life the straight and narrow. I used to run with a crew of about seven other people, and in time, all of us straightened up (all before our 20th birthdays). Earl is in his late twenties before he figures out Karma, so he has a lot to atone for. And please note that I atoned for everything I ever did wrong except for stealing ten garbage bags full of cans from a bum in Michigan (10 cents a can in Michigan) and that was only because I never could find the guy from whom I stole. Also, I still have two hockey cards I stole from some kid who moved to Washington D.C. Never could find him either, mainly because I forgot his name. But I did go around and apologize to a lot of people. I even gave some stuff back, did chores and paid money to some of the many I had wronged. All scumbags, when they discover the problem with themselves, have some kind of karma realization (the realization that bad people do bad things and thus, suffer the fate of bad things happening to them). I guess what I’m saying is, there are more people out there that can relate to “Earl” than you probably think.<br /><br /><strong>Jason Lee being Jason Lee</strong><br />I have enjoyed everything Jason Lee has done, acting-wise. And I think he chose this show because it’s a chance for him to finally use a fake accent and do some actual acting, instead of just being essentially a walking one-liner machine. Also, I don’t think he’s good enough to pull off this level of acting in a movie yet, so he made the right call with this project. But what I enjoy most is when he slips up, loses his accent, and causes me to go, “Hey, that’s Jason Lee. I totally forgot he was in this.”<br /><br /><strong>Hot Chicks</strong><br />Need I say more?

Slang

This hand in fist / With arm and anger / Struck down upon the face of danger / And took a piece of life with love

Picking Them Games Like He Pickles Yams

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tackle-745103.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tackle-741891.jpg" border="0" /></a>Once again, because I am concerned about my bookie’s ability to make his SUV payments, I am picking three games against the spread. I have wagered $50 per game.

Observations Like a Soy Burger

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sweetlou-702091.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sweetlou-795588.jpg" border="0" /></a>I think Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella should be forced to live together during the off season as the premise for a reality show.

Wintery Snippets

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rosaparks-731636.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rosaparks-727646.jpg" border="0" /></a>Me: I love any excuse to wear a sweater because it saves me seventy seconds of extra time every morning. You know, since I don’t have to button a shirt.<br />Subway Girl: Are you gonna order something?<br /><br />Me: Hey, how do you think Robert Redford reacted the day he found out his face was more wrinkled than his penis?<br />Tom: Dude, what the fuck?<br /><br />Tara: You seem like you’re in a good mood.<br />Me: I’m in a great mood. I’m in an awesome mood. I couldn’t love people more right now if I tried. The only thing that could possibly make me happier would be if you walked right over here and sucked me off.<br />Tom: Dude, you can’t say things like that.<br /><br />Tara: Would you calm down? God, what do you do when you’re home alone?<br />Me: I write.<br />Tara: After that?<br />Me: I masturbate. I mean shit, if I’m alone…<br />Jen: Yet another example of shit you’re not supposed to say out loud.<br /><br />Me: When it gets cold like this, I wish I had a fireplace.<br />Six: It’s almost sixty degrees.<br />Me: You trying to make a point, here?<br /><br />Me: I can’t tell if this guy’s making fun of me or flattering me by imitation.<br />Mike: The guy who wrote that?<br />Me: Yeah.<br />Mike: What’d he write?<br />Me: He did his own version of the snippets, except he called his, Slices.<br />Mike: You hungry?<br />Me: Yeah, a little.<br /><br />Emmy: I love seeing everyone in their winter clothes. Everyone looks so festive and Christmasy.<br />Tom: We live in Tampa.<br /><br />Jess: You can’t just come behind the bar and serve your own beer.<br />Greg: Well, you looked busy.<br />Jess: I was busy. But that doesn’t give you the right to go behind the bar.<br />Greg: Well, how the hell else am I supposed to get my beer the minute I want it?<br />Me: He has a point.<br /><br />Luke: Dude, think about this. The weather is worse everywhere else in America.<br />Me: It’s warmer in Diego.<br />Luke: You can’t count San Diego, man. It’s always nice there.<br />Me: That’s why you’d be right if we were there. Here, however, you are wrong.<br />Luke: I see. You’re in Jerk Mode. That’s cool. Hey, a pool table…<br /><br />Rich: Have you ever shot anyone?<br />Me: No.<br />Rich: Me neither. I’ll bet it feels weird.<br />Me: Well yeah, it would be different.<br />Rich: If I joined the army—<br />Me: Dude, it was just one test. It’s not worth dropping out over.<br />Rich: I got a 7 percent, man. A fucking 7. That’s like a big sign that says, “Drop out.”<br />Me: No. It’s a little sign that screams, “Study, dumbass.”<br />Rich: Why are you such a dick lately?<br /><br />Nick: Who was Rosa Parks?<br />Me: She was that woman that refused to sit in the back of the bus in Alabama. She was like a civil rights folk hero. Why?<br />Nick: While you were pissing, Major League Baseball just asked us to take a moment of silence in her honor. Why did they want her in the back of the bus anyway?<br />Me: It was a segregation thing. Blacks had to sit in the back.<br />Nick: When I was in school, that was the cool place to sit.<br />Me: You’re an idiot.<br /><br />Me: Why did major league baseball feel we needed a moment of silence for Rosa Parks, anyway?<br />Nick: She died right before the national anthem. I guess she was an Astros fan or something.

Crash into Familiarity

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/carcrash-770273.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/carcrash-766338.jpg" border="0" /></a>Hurricane Wilma brought winter to south and central Florida (Tampa’s getting lows in the fifties now) so naturally I now keep all my windows open when I sleep at night. Well, last night, while sleeping the sleep of the sleepy, yours truly was awakened by the sound of two vehicles smacking into each other. After the sounds of metal abruptly meeting metal, this is what I heard through my open window.<br /><br />“Fuck man. Watch where you’re going.”<br /><br />“Is that you, Troy?”<br /><br />“Damian? Shit man, how are you?”<br /><br />“Pretty good. Sorry about that, by the way. I’ve had a few.”<br /><br />“Hey man, me too. Good thing we hit each other, huh? That could have been nasty.”<br /><br />They then exchanged insurance information and promised to call each other more often. Oh yeah, and apparently, Troy recently dropped out of college. He plans on going back next semester. And Damian’s driver’s side headlight is busted. This is a problem because he works nights. He’s thinking about having some guy named Dave take a look at it. From what I could gather through my bedroom window, Dave needs the work.<br /><br />You see, this is one of the things I love about life. As long as you keep your windows open, take a few occasional walks, and communicate with the bulk of the people you meet, you will have a metric ton of cool experiences and/or overhear random shit that will make you laugh, cry, love and just generally believe that humans, though responsible for most of the world’s problems, are at the very least, fun.<br /><br />To quote Peter from “Office Space”: ‘That’s what I’m talking about when I talk about America.’<br /><br />Now everyone, put your hands on your hearts as the drunk homeless man who lives behind my office building leads us all in his rendition of the National Anthem. I know it doesn’t sound familiar to you, but keep in mind, it’s his rendition.

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