Tag: The Paul Frank Blog

You Broke My Dick’s Heart

Oh, hey, how have you been? Funny running into you here.<p>Oh, I've been alright...you know...just.....things...who...I...sometimes.</p><p>My dick on the other hand...he's not doing so well. The little bugger's just been mopin' around. I'm starting to get worried about him. He hasn't had any contact with the outside world in days. The only time he comes out is to go to the bathroom.</p>

Kick Back

<p>A male in his early 20's is sitting on a couch, watching a football game. A bowl of Tostito's and a can of dip is on the table in front of him.</p><p>A pregnant woman, presumably his wife, enters the room. She starts talking. The man's face has a look on it like he is in extreme pain once she starts talking.</p><p>Pregnant Woman: "Honey, look, he's kicking! Come feel it."</p>

Fuck You, Subway, FUCK. YOU.

<p>I'm not a violent person, and I wasn't going to ask Obama to do anything, but I can't keep going without saying something. You've probably seen the following commercial on TV several times. I have. The very first time I saw it, I knew there was no more hope for the human race. My right eye was completely swollen shut due to mononucleosis and sinusitis, and I still cringed.

Mother Earth

<p>"<strong>PUSH! PUUUUSHHHHH!</strong>" the annoying doctors and nurses around me scream in my ear.</p><p>"Chill." I take a drag of my cigarette. "Everyone just chill. I'm not going to be able to tell when the tranqulizers I took kicked in if everyone around me is freakin' out."</p><p>"Ma'am, you need to start pushing <em>now</em>."</p>

Cannibal Family Dinner

<p>A young, energetic boy sets the kitchen table and sits down. The mother, in an apron, is busy finishing the cooking of the meal.</p><p>She finishes and brings the food over to the table. She watches her son start eating.</p><p>"Come on, Billy, eat your Gary's."</p><p>"I don't wanna eat my Gary's. Gary's suck!"</p>

Hamstring Injury

<p>This weekend, New York Giants wide reciever Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg in a nightclub. Upon going to the hospital, he told the staff his name was Harris Smith (because that's the whitest name he could think of) and that he got shot at an Applebee's (because white people can relate, we go to Applebee's all the time).

This Relationship is Over (After This Blowjob)

<p>Hey, honey, don't mean to startle you or anything (the last thing we want is some unexpected chomping out of surprise), but once we wrap this beej up, this relationship is officially over.</p><p>Capish?</p><p>By all means, though, take your time down there. Yeah, that feels good right there (doesn't change the fact that I'm dumping you though...)</p>

Did You Just Look At My Dick?

<p>Bro, did I just catch your eyes wandering down my naked body past my golden rippling chest and sneak a peek at my man vagina AKA my penis?</p><p>Bro, that shit ain't cool. That shit is real weak. Just because I'm standing up here in my birthday suit for all to see doesn't mean you're off the hook with the whole heterosexuality thing, and can just go all queer.</p>

The Waiting Room

<p>A waiting room. There are outdated posters on the wall. A man is reading a newspaper, another is staring out the window, a woman is trying to quiet down her kid.</p>

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