America’s Saddest Home Videos
<p>Dad always laughed out loud at America's Funniest Home Videos. No matter what. Loud as anyone can laugh. A hearty, boistrous, echoing laugh. For an hour straight. Every night.</p>
Tag: The Paul Frank Blog
Oh, Fancy Seeing You Here At The Abortion Clinic, Bristol Palin
<p>Oh, hey Bristol. What's going on.</p><p>Cool, cool. So yeah, sorry I never called you after that night...</p><p>Glad you're over it.</p><p>Oh, you're seeing that Levi douche now?</p><p>I mean..what a great guy! Yeah, good guy, good. fuckin'. guy.</p><p>You look a little fat, Bristol. Are you a couple months fat?</p><p>Oh! You're pregnant. I hadn't heard.</p>
So You’ve Just Killed a Prostitute
<p>If you're reading this sentence, you've just killed a prostitute. No worries! Luckily for you, we have compiled this helpful packet you should peruse every time you kill a prostitute.</p><p>First things first: <strong>Don't panic</strong>. Everything's going to be all right. Just be thankful nobody got hurt. </p>
Do You Think Michael Moore Showered Today?
<p>Do you think Michael Moore showered today?</p><p>Or is he gonna do a 'double-shower' tomorrow?</p><p>Isn't going out in the rain an adequate shower alternative?</p><p> </p><p>Do you think Michael Moore did anything productive today?</p><p>Isn't masturbating alone in your dark apartment sorta productive?</p><p>I mean you DID something.</p><p> </p>
Satan Runs an Advice Column
<em>Hey Satan, LOVE the column. I've been reading you for a long time, but I've never felt the need to send something in. Until now. Here's the situation. I'm a thirty-year-old mother of 3. I have a loving husband and we have a wonderful house. Or so I thought.</em>
It Happens
<p>Hey, what's wrong?</p><p>You don't seem to be enjoying this sex as much as I am.</p><p>Why are you - what are you doing?</p><p>Are you pushing me?</p><p>Stop struggling. I'm ticklish. </p><p>What? Why are you saying 'no'? Should I pull out or keep going? I'm gonna keep going. You're crazy. Not in the good way either.</p><p>Hint: shaving is a good idea.</p>
Hey, Want to Not Watch Arena Football Tonight?
<p>Hey, what's going on? What do you want to do tonight?</p><p>Want to get homeless people to spit their blood into our mouths?</p><p>Or should we go up to black people in the ghetto of Chicago and tell them we totally supported slavery and it should probably be brought back (it'll help out the economy).</p>
Thoughts: Chicago Edition
<p><strong><em>Welcome to another edition of Thoughts, a showcase of all the random thoughts going through my head, conveniently written in comedic form. </em></strong></p>
Hello Children
<p>Welcome, children. I can guess what's on your mind. You might be asking yourself "where's the candy this creep promised?"</p><p>I'm sorry. There is no candy.</p><p>Yeah, so I lied. Get over it.</p>
OBGYN EDU
Hello, I'm what you'd call a gynecologist. I fix, repair, inspect, diagnose and tickle vaginas for a living. Some of my employees and co-workers call me The Pussy Doctor or just ‘pussy.' You can call me Dr. Pussy. <p>But let's face it. I've seen tens of thousands of vaginas in my day, and quite honestly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of them. They just don't blow my mind anymore.
What’s That One Movie?
Fuck, what's that one movie, it's like on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember the fucking name, shit, there's that one girl in it... fuck.
The Olympics
<p>I'm in Chicago right now, at my sister's condo. Something's wrong with her cable box or remote or something, so her tv is stuck on NBC. When I'm not out exploring the city, I want to unwind with some <em>Lockup</em> or <em>Locked Up Abroad</em>. But no. All we get is the Olympics. The Olympics, the news, more Olympics. Repeat of the day's Olympics.