<p>Aloha, Anurans!<br /><br />I never thought I'd see the day when an Australian gave up the fight against our lethally-venomous, spined, poisonous, or just plain curmudgeonly bad-assed flora and fauna (as I write this, my niece is fending off a dingo with her broken baby formula bottle) but the Australian Government released a statement this week that our war against the Cane Toad is lost.
<p>Bonjour, Big Birds!</p><p>Today, your Accident-Attracting Antipodean Auteur once again spent some time being taught some fucked up life lessons at the School of Randomly Bizarre Happenings, which I have been unwilling enrolled in for some time now, and which apparently holds weekend classes. Here's some highlights from today's curriculum of chaos. </p>
<p>Ciao, Cupids!<br /><br />Like the guy with the sweet ass and the spinnerets says, "with great power comes great responsibility".</p>
<p>Viva Videodromers!</p><p>Well, 2009 was quite a mixed popcorn bag, cinematically speaking. For every delicious fluffy nugget of yummy cinematic goodness, there were the films that stood in for the awful, tasteless shit they put on the popcorn that I have no difficulty whatsoever believing is not butter.</p>
<p><img alt="" />Yello, Yuletiders!!<br /><br />You might find references to some of your jolly scrobe's own personal favourite Seasonal Slaughterfests in the following merry little traditional carol that I just this moment made up to wish you all a Happy Holiday season...<br /><br /><br />'Twas the night before Christmas, and in his house in R'lyeh,<br />
<p>Zounds, Xenomorphs!</p><p>This week finds your antipodean agony aunt pondering what kind of blase, seen-it-all-before world can be faced with a possible First Contact between <em>Homo sapiens</em> and honest-to-goodness Extra-Terrestrial lifeforms and collectively say "Aliens? That's nice...is GLEE on yet?" </p>
<p> G'Day, Grinches!</p><p>Has going to the mall for supplies become a nightmarish descent into a bizarre realm of animatronic talking/singing Santa dolls and elevator musak versions of "The Little Drummer Boy?" Are you contemplating garotting strolling mall carolers with tinsel? Are you willing to wait in line for an hour just to yank Santa's beard off in front of dozens of horrified toddlers? Rest easy, Gargamels of the world, as your Scroogey Scribe is about to share with you his patented</p>
<p>Ciao Cupids!</p><p>Sick of all the constant sweaty beast humping and rapturous romance with countless gorgeous members of the opposite/same sex, but you can't afford the montly payments for <em>World of Warcraft</em> and don't want to hack off your genitals with a rusty cleaver, become a catholic priest or something equally painful? Well, now there's no need. Just follow your friendly scribes advice and you'll be desperate and dateless in no-time!</p>
<p>Bonjour, Best-Men!</p><p>Well, this week finds the Religious Rong winning another battle against love, compassion and fairness (honestly, American fundamentalist Christians seem so diametrically opposed to everything that nice Jewish boy Jesus Christ stood for they might as well just cut out the middle man and call themselves Satanists) by joining California's battle-cry of "Constitution, Schmonstitution!" and outlawing Gay Marriage in that state.</p>
<p>Bonjour, Bandagers!</p><p>You may not know it to look at me, but I belong to a minority group (no, not that one). It's a group of people who are sadly endangered across the globe (usually by ourselves) and talked about in hushed whispers—lest we hear you talking about us, come over and you enter the radius of dangerous proximity.</p><p>Yes friends, I am accident prone. </p>
<p>Salutations, Sarcophages!</p><p>Spleen-melting viruses that cross the species barrier from animal to human faster than Scooby Doo and Norville "Shaggy" Rogers after a few Ecstasy tabs too many; Homophobic racists openly tea-bagging each other in the streets and Sydney's skies turning blood-red (not due to the wildlife for once)... Clearly the world is just about due for the Global Zombie Apocalypse foretold aeons ago in Judy Blume's chillingly prophetic "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" (What? You thought it was just censorship over-reaction?! The world's libraries keep banning Blume's books for your own good!)</p>
<p>Hiya, Hawkmen!</p>